Sorority of Motherhood Hazing
I was at a social event the other day and there was a New Mommy.
Anther woman, who’s youngest child is around 11 or so, says to New Mommy as she puts a itty-bitty blankie over the infant’s legs, You know you’re not supposed to keep them too warm, and she turned to me with a knowing grin and WINKED.
There was this moment when I thought, OMG! Is she screwing with New Mommy for FUN?
You know as a new mother it doesn’t matter where you go or who you surround yourself with, there are more experienced mothers there who will tell you you’re doing it wrong. You know - to be helpful. Right? I mean, why else would they follow you around muttering conflicting advice like:
Make sure to swaddle them tight. Don’t swaddle them so tight. Don’t get the water too hot. No one likes a bath in cold water. Babies like cold milk. Don’t microwave the bottle. Don’t burp them so hard. You really have to whop them to get the burp up. Don’t let them sleep on their backs. Babies sleep best on their backs. Put socks on their feet. Babies overheat if you overdress them. The baby’s hungry. Don’t overfeed the baby.
Did I get hazed in the Sorority of Motherhood? I wondered.
Is that what we do to women? We know it doesn’t really make much of a difference whether the infant gets a blanket or not, but we follow the mother around preying on her new constant companion anxiety, telling her we think she’s screwing it up?
I had a similar moment when after I’d said “I Do” the first time I got married and I realized how completely like hell marriage can be.
I looked around at all the knowing looks and chuckles, from more experienced wives, and I realized - You KNEW everything in all those fairy tales were a big fat lie and you perpetuated it on me anyway! AND you think it’s hilarious!
It was only AFTER I was stuck that they would speak candidly and honestly about how difficult and trying marriage is - how it would suck the life out of you if you didn’t develop defenses. I thought it was like joining a Sisterhood of Wives - they don’t share any of their coded truths and secret passwords until you’re already screwed.
My advice to my pregnant friend Rebecca - tell em to F#$& off when they come after you.
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POSTED IN: Fabulous Culture, Fabulous Mars & Venus, Fabulous Mothering
9 opinions for Sorority of Motherhood Hazing
Susanna K.
Jun 25, 2008 at 6:12 am
It’s funny, I never got a lot of unsolicited advice except from my mom and MIL, which is only to be expected. My friends talked pretty openly about the unvarnished truths of motherhood before D-Mac was born, so I felt like I wasn’t going in blind.
Plus, I am way too stubborn to believe any advice someone gives me without researching it first. My husband likes to complain that if he came up to me and shouted “Run for your life!!!” I’d stop to ask “Why?”
that girl
Jun 25, 2008 at 6:38 am
Susanna - I have that same afliction - I have to question everything for myself..or know why. Usually though, I’m not trying to be cynical - it’s important for me to understand the whole piece of advice in order for me to remember it or file it properly in my anal brain. lol.
Tracee, I’ve found that candid marriage advice to friends who are engaged is usually not well recieved..I have a friend who recently got married and when I would try to talk to her honestly about the struggle of marriage when she was still engaged she immediately changed the subject, or just sat there in silence - like “why the heck are you raining on my parade?”.
As far as all the baby advice - it’s almost cruel. I do remember sharing little tid-bits of advice like “Mine always burped across my legs on their tummies” or “Those little foam-cone shaped things helped mine from rolling on their backs”, but I’ve never actually attempted to inform a new mom of the ‘right’ way to do something. Every mom should know that babies are different and all advice doesn’t work for all babies. That’s just plain catty.
that girl
Jun 25, 2008 at 6:39 am
Also, that picture make my ovaries hurt - you’re totally taking the blame if I get knocked up.
Tracee Sioux
Jun 25, 2008 at 9:14 am
You’re right That Girl you can’t talk to women who are engaged about the realities of marriage because they already believe they won the Fairy Tale Jackpot. They aren’t giving that up.
The key is to tell girls the TRUTH about marriage before they develop a belief in Fairy Tales. Ditto motherhood.
Violet
Jun 25, 2008 at 9:35 am
I wish people would have told me more about marriage, but I wouldn’t have listened.
From my perspective, motherhood seems to turn many women into big know-it-alls.
I think they just take it so seriously and want to get it so right that they get a little nuts and start spouting dogma about every thing from toys to food to discipline.
that girl
Jun 25, 2008 at 11:32 am
I think it’s interesting that young girls are still clinging to this fairy tale thing when the divorce rate is so high. In my own life, I’ve experienced this crazy phenomenon - my parents have each been married 3 times (to different people) and I endured numerous ‘marriage is hard’ speeches through the years - but I still grew up craving that fairy tale. I guess in some ways it made me more determined to find what they couldn’t?..
I’ve also noticed that many people with difficult or traumatic childhoods can’t wait to be parents - it’s like they’re itching to give the situation new life and a happy ending.
Violet - I totally agree about the know-it-all syndrome. And it’s so silly, and it makes us question ourselves as parents and put up our guards.
jen
Jun 26, 2008 at 9:24 am
I was seriously mad at my friends who had already given birth. I was all “why didn’t you TELL me?!” Who knew it would be so painful, and emotionally draining? And, OH, the sleep deprivation, bleeding cracked nipples, mastitis, thrush, RSV, circumcision, vaccinations, etc…, etc… So many heart wrenching decisions and trials all while constantly being mother judged by your peers, and bombarded by too much information about the dangers of SIDS, or the five bazillion disorders or illnesses you could have.
Parenthood is not for the faint of heart.
Tracee Sioux
Jun 26, 2008 at 9:26 am
I know, right? What’s with all the lying?
Mr. Right will complete you.
Motherhood is the most natural thing.
Thrifty Karen
Jun 26, 2008 at 7:26 pm
Oh my goodness. I’ve seen so many babies lately that are bundled up like it’s freezing cold outside. I’m thinking, ‘Didn’t you get the memo? It’s 95 degrees outside!!!!’ But I just walk on, not saying a word. heehee My kids would have screamed if I would have had them bundled up like that. Some people are lucky and get quiet compliant children. ;)
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