Save a Marriage - Stop Sharing
Sister, let me give you some marital advice: Sharing is overrated. It’s a source of conflict, disaster really.
There is no reason on planet earth you need to share - unless you want to fight.
We stopped sharing sheets a long time ago. No needs to share each other’s night sweats. No need to wake up irritated when the sheets end up on the floor. People don’t have the same body temperatures. They just don’t. No reason to fight and ruin a marriage over body temperature.
Computers. It’s worth $500 to save a marriage. Buy another computer. I don’t care if it’s social or work, there will be conflict over who is “more important” if you try to share a computer.
Workspace. No. Someone always thinks they’re “more entitled” to spend time there, to move other people’s notes or materials.
Television. We never fight about who gets to watch what anymore. We stopped sharing a TV. There’s no magic on earth that will make a husband and wife want to watch the same stuff on TV.
For heaven’s sake no one should share a car. It will leave one person trapped. Marriages don’t survive traps.
I’m angling for my own bedroom. We’re both entitled to a good night’s sleep and there’s a problem with the snoring. He can’t help it and I can’t sleep through it and our couch sucks. Next house, “guest bedroom” is going to be a priority.
That’s not what they tell me in all those marriage seminars at church.
They are lying. That’s what we do to people. We lie to them and tell them that marriage is about togetherness. Really, there’s only so much togetherness any couple can handle. It’s false advertising. That’s the cause of the one-in-two divorce rate. That’s my explanation for the 7 year itch. After 7 years you realize you bought something, without knowing what was in the package. The ones who stay married find a way to cope with what’s really in the package - like abandoning the idea of sharing - the ones who don’t, get divorced.
I’m telling you right now to avoid the whole trap. If you want marital peace - don’t share.
Image Source: So Sioux Me, My husband and I sharing time at a Vow Mariage Retreat this spring.
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POSTED IN: Fabulous Culture, Fabulous Mars & Venus, Fabulous Susie Homemaker
56 opinions for Save a Marriage - Stop Sharing
Carrie
May 14, 2008 at 4:17 pm
I have my “own room”. I don’t ever sleep in it… and we pretend it’s the spare room/sewing room, but I know it’s mine. ;)
Tracee Sioux
May 14, 2008 at 5:45 pm
Lucky. I’m jealous.
Jeanne
May 15, 2008 at 6:00 am
Quick note/heading out door…
1) Totally agree with you regarding the sharing thing. Married 10 years this month. Took us awhile to figure this out. Having 2 computers, for example, has helped immensely!!
2) I used to snore BADLY!! Just ask my husband & daughter. They do funky imitations of my snoring! After getting diagnosed with sleep apnea and fitted with CPAP (breathing) equipment, I do not snore AT ALL! Untreated sleep apnea can lead to various other health problems. If your husband’s snoring is significant, he may want to get evaluated to determine if sleep apnea is occuring. Stopping breathing during sleep all night long is NOT good for the body and can really wreak havoc. I only wish I had been diagnosed sooner -as I might have avoided some other health issues.
Just something to think about as a possibility…
Again, I think you are totally right about the fact that too much sharing being a stressor on a marriage!
Jeanne
Ashley
May 15, 2008 at 6:04 am
That’s completely true - sleep apnea can irreversibly damage the heart. There’s a mask that can completely stop it.
Jeanne
May 15, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Yes, cardiac issues were mentioned by my doctors as one way sleep apnea can affect one’s health. There are various types of headgear. Some are the traditional mask-style that Ashley referred to. There are other types too. Due to numerous allergies and sensitivities, I had to try multiple types of headgear before finding the one I use. It has a headpiece that goes over the top of the head back to front and attaches to a nasal cannula (think of those plastic thingies you see up people’s noses in the movies - only mine are 2 separate pieces that pop out of the headgear so you can wash them and stuff). If your husband decides to get checked for sleep apnea, just let me know if I can be of any help. I’ve gone through the whole process from start to finish so I could give you plenty of info if he interested in seeing if he has sleep apnea. The CPAP headgear/machine delivers airflow to prevent the airway obstruction (classically characterized with loud snoring) that keeps oxygen from properly reaching all of the parts of the body that should be getting it. Sleep apnea can definitely affect the heart. In fact, the reason I ended up getting referred for a sleep study was an abnormal echocardiogram/stress test. In retrospect, I wish I had gotten tested for sleep apnea earlier than I did. My husband had commented for years on how “abnormally” I slept and had speculated on whether I had a sleep disorder. Years later, he was proven right when I was tested at a sleep disorder clinic. After using the CPAP, I had a follow-up echocardiogram/stress test and my cardiologist the results had improved quite a bit! I was lucky to get diagnosed/treated in time to get the better echo/stress test the 2nd time around.
Tracee Sioux
May 16, 2008 at 7:06 am
I’ve mentioned it. If I could make him wear a mask - I would.
Ashley
May 16, 2008 at 7:09 am
My boss’s daughter is a doctor in Memphis. She recently lost a patient (younger than 60) whose heart was damaged beyond repair from sleep apnea. There was nothing they could do. It’s a really bad thing.
Ashley
May 16, 2008 at 7:10 am
Didn’t you stop smoking a while back? Maybe you could hang that out there and see if any motivation bites.
Tracee Sioux
May 16, 2008 at 8:18 am
I’ll bring it up again. That’s all I can do.
But, here’s another thing about the 7 year itch.
After 7 years you realize you have used all the strategies - good and bad - available to you to get them to do what you want.
Negotiation, whining, bitching, moaning, sacrificing, over-nicing, schmoozing, bribing, cajoling, nagging, screaming, yelling, sympathy, empathy, talking, threatening, psychoanalyzing.
After 7 years you realize there are no strategies left and it’s THIS or you walk. You finally accept that there is no magic on earth that is going to change another person. And you accept it and figure out another solution to problems and issues or you get divorced.
He doesn’t want to go get tested for sleep apnea. I need a my own room.
Ashley
May 16, 2008 at 8:51 am
You’re scaring me - we’re in for a little less than 3 so far..
Tracee Sioux
May 16, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Well, you still have strategies up your sleeve. Maybe you’ll hit on one that works.
Ashley
May 16, 2008 at 1:28 pm
You bet your butt I do! I have a million of them. I found some article yesterday in a magazine that told you which ‘anger style’ you have.. apparently I am passive agressive/sarcastic and sometimes (very rarely) explosive.. It got me to thinking of how I approach my husband in an effort to change this or that.. I’m a little sneaky I guess..
Maybe I’ve given up on the forward, share-your-feelings-sincerely approach after not being taken seriously.
Tracee Sioux
May 16, 2008 at 3:10 pm
“share-your-feelings-sincerely” is just another strategy.
It might be more effective than the passive-aggressive-sarcastic-explosive strategy - but then it might not.
You might just be using passive-aggressive-sarcastic-explosive strategy because that’s what WORKS. Which is sane and smart.
You can keep trying “share-your-feelings-sincerely” like all marriage advice and counselors suggest. But that doesn’t mean they will do/think/say/feel what you want.
After 7 years (obviously this could occur at any time, 7 years is a common divorce year but so is 2,3,4,5,15, 25) you decide maybe it doesn’t matter. And you just accept what IS or you get out.
Or at least that’s how it’s working out for us. I don’t want to predict your future.
Jeanne
May 17, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Tracee,
I hear you… It is very hard to find a bargaining chip that will be effective to get someone to make a health care choice they are opposed to (regardless of their reasoning for the opposition). I do not mean to stereotype in any way but it has been my personal experience that men are more resistant to seeking out medical attention than women, generally speaking. (There are actually studies that bear this out… though the specifics on them escape me at the moment. My point is I don’t think I’m stereotyping). Anyway, back to the “bargaining chip” theory. Ashley’s idea regarding the smoking thing was what made me think of the “bargaining” term. I do think there are times (the lucky ones) when bargaining with whatever is most effective for the person involved (in this case: your husband)… does work. However, I absolutely hear what you’re saying about the times when it doesn’t (whether it’s a “7 year itch” or not). I know from firsthand experience that even simply “bringing it up again” in the most non-confrontational/diplomatic way possible could take you into what I call “the nag zone”. In my house, “the nag zone” is when I am bringing up valid, important issues (not just health stuff… it could be ideas on how to prioritize which bills to tackle first, for example) and my ordinarily reasonable, thoughtful, logical husband crosses into the land I detest: where he doesn’t want to address it and pulls the “nag” card. Yes, sometimes my husband calls me a nag. I get so ticked when this happens. You have no idea. I can be bringing up a hot topic that needs to be addressed quickly, I can try my best to find a “good” time to bring it up (if there is such a thing, right?)… and if he’s tired, hungry, or “saturated” (the word he uses when his brain is too tired to talk about a topic), then I can forget it because I will not get anywhere. Once the word “nag” pops up, I know I need to table the topic for another time (no matter how pressing it is). So, Tracee, I understand how challenging it can be to get a loved one to address a health issue. (It’s not just men. My mother is probably the most stubborn person I’ve encountered in this arena). So you’re right that sometimes the strategies just run out. Or they at least run out for that day - to be continued another day at the risk of bedlam. :)
Ashley,
First, don’t be scared. The fact that you’re even “awake” enough to be thinking about this stuff is key. Many couples just go on auto-pilot until the day dawns when one or both of them decide to opt for the divorce option. The fact that you are putting thought into this stuff is huge. So don’t be scared. OK… On the flip side, be scared. I’M JUST KIDDING. Seriously, living a fear-based life, in my opinion, isn’t healthy. However, you have reason to be concerned. The last I heard the divorce rate in the U.S. was 51%. Obviously that’s a sobering stat. I think Tracee has a very good point that “mixing it up” by experimenting with different strategies is valuable. As I touched on with my comments to Tracee above, I have learned the hard way that TIMING IS EVERYTHING with my husband. If I catch him when he’s tired or hungry, I can almost count on a negative response. If I approach him the exact same way when he’s rested and full, he may very well happily agree to the same thing. Now that’s just my husband. Your husband may have a different dynamic going on. In the course of 3 years, you most likely have a pretty good idea of what times are more likely to be “favorable” to address a topic than others. As time goes on, you keep learning more and more about what goes on in a spouse’s head, how to use their brain wiring/psychology to get a win-win situation where you are both happy. All married couples have their weaknesses, sore spots, and opportunities for learning/growing. No marriage is perfect. When I look at my parents’ 40 years and still going, I see things to admire but I also recognize that over the years they have had times where “dysfunction ruled”. Also, many marriages that look “perfect” to the “public” are deeply flawed behind closed doors. Our society, in my opinion, tends to promote this brand of hypocrisy. It’s the whole, “what will the neighbors think?” mentality. I was brought up with that “fake” syndrome and I am still fighting (at age 39) to become more “real” and “authentic”. If my husband and I are going through a stressful time, I share it with my friends. I don’t hide it and pretend everything’s perfect. Now, my parents have a 30 year lead on me in the wedding anniversary department despite the fact that they sometimes fall into what my one sister and I call “fake land”. I can’t predict where I’ll be in 30 years but I choose to believe my husband and I will still be finding ways to work things out. I have learned a HUGE thing that helps me: I have to recognize when to BACK OFF. If I “hound” my husband and he gives me the “back off” cues (verbal/body language)… and I keep pushing it, things can get very unpleasant for both of us. Ashley, my mom is passive-aggressive/sarcastic and it makes my dad go out of his mind. Some of their worst fights over the years have been related to this dynamic. (Trust me when I tell you my dad has his share of faults!) Anyway, if you haven’t read the Celestine Prophecy, I would highly recommend it. It talks about some different interaction styles between people (among covering many other things)! I do agree with what Tracee said that passive-aggressive/sarcastic isn’t necessarily a bad strategy if that’s what works for you in your situation. Again, I think TIMING is key. At times, sarcasm me be just the thing. At times, pouring your heart out with your sincere feelings may be best. Here is an idea that works great when my husband will go for it (which unfortunately is far less than I’d like)… but it might help you. My husband accompanied me to a session with my therapist one time and I was expressing frustration at not having the quality/quantity of communication that I wanted/needed with my husband. She suggested (and my husband willingly agreed, possibly because it was her idea/not mine) to “set an egg timer” (obviously you could use any timer) for a pre-set time… i.e. 30 minutes. Lo and behold, we set the microwave timer and we sat down (at a time when our daughter was asleep and the phone ringer was turned off) and just TALKED for 30 whole minutes. I’ve never been to Hawaii but after that 30 minutes of uninterrupted 2-way conversation w/my husband, I felt like I’d been on vacation. Seriously. Communication is critical. My husband’s mom is twice-divorced. Communication problems killed one marriage and helped kill the other (with other factors). Personally, if you try “egg timer” talk time, I’d try to avoid sarcasm and that if you can. It might help your chances of having more “egg timer” sessions. :) Clearly, no one can predict your future… By talking with/watching couples I know of who have gone through divorce, it appears that often one person tries to control the other or both people try to control each other. Again, I’m going to insert a plug for the book Celestine Prophecy here. I don’t think you’ll be disappointed by it… if you haven’t read it already. Don’t be scared. Just keep being awake/aware. I think that’s really important. Oh, and go on dates too!! :)
Jeanne
P.S. Please forgive the length (if this will even post with so many characters)! I had a lot of catching up to do with the posts you have made recently! :)
Tracee Sioux
May 19, 2008 at 6:56 pm
he told me to stop harassing him again.
As I said, I just need my own room.
Jeanne
May 19, 2008 at 8:52 pm
I took French, Spanish, and Italian back in school but I never took a course in “Husband” language.
However, I think I may to take a stab at translation for you on the “stop harassing me” comment. It sounds like the equivalent of my husband saying to me: “back off”. So you are very smart to leave the topic alone with him (at least for anytime soon). Not only will you not make any headway on it but he’ll probably resent you for what my husband would label “nagging”.
So then you have the same pre-existing problem PLUS a potentially resentful husband who will proceed to tune you out more and more as the years go by. (Again, this is all a theory… of course)!
I wish I could build you the extra room you’re looking for. As magical spare rooms that pop up when needed are hard to come by, here are a couple of suggestions. They may or may not help but it can’t hurt to throw them out there. (They may sound extreme but it sounds like you may be open to extreme at this point).
1) If you have an air mattress that you can inflate each night and just throw on the living room floor or wherever it’ll fit, try it. You can deflate it in the morning and you have your space back. We used one when my sister stayed with us last summer; just threw some sheets on it and it was a nice bed. They make really comfortable air mattresses nowadays. We had picked one up a couple of years ago and I believe it was about $35.00. Just make sure you have the right kind of adapter/pump/air compressor to inflate it. (Different air mattress brands make different ones. Silly, I know). Just read the box carefully to see if the adapter/pump is included or sold separately. If separate, obviously you want the one that’s a match.
2) Could you try putting one of those “feather bed” or foam/”egg crate” things over the couch to give some extra cushioning? That might help.
Perhaps you and your husband could alternate nights for “who gets the real bed”. (I know I’m probably pushing it on that one but you never know… he might. Just don’t tell him where you got that idea… ha ha).
Just some ideas. I hear what you are saying, though, loud and clear. I’m sure you’ll work it out.
It’s just one of the many interesting aspects of marriage. As you have pointed out with your Disney Princess posts, girls are conditioned from a young age as to what marriage will be and they don’t depict sleep apnea, snoring, or fights over the bed in those movies! :)
Hang in there. You’ll get through it!
Tracee Sioux
May 20, 2008 at 7:00 am
He’s fine with alternating and we are buying a new couch. But I’m being kind of stubborn about it.
HE snores - HE should sleep on the couch or the air mattress! If I snored, I would go to the doctor and get it taken care of.
The other day I was smacking Chex Mix in bed (because he woke me with his snoring) - he got really pissed that I woke him and disturbed his sleep! HA! Can you beat THAT?
That strategy actually worked!
At least he wears the snore strips.
Jeanne
May 20, 2008 at 7:15 am
Try to focus positive energy on the fact that he is willing to alternate. Lots of guys wouldn’t do that. I know, I know. HE’S the one snoring and unwilling to get it checked out… so why should YOU do any couch time, right?? Let’s just say stubbornness can kill a marriage. It’s not about who’s “right” and who’s “wrong”. Think in “New Earth” ego terms.
I like the Chex Mix story, though. That’s funny. Yes, my husband has his share of times where he has a double standard on some issues. Your Chex Mix story is a good example. :)
With an issue that involves someone asleep or semiconscious, it’s tricky. He probably has zero clue how loudly he snores. Videotaping could help (I strongly recommend getting authorization before taping someone snoring. People tend to get quite defensive about it). If you explain to him (post-Chex Mix incident) that you don’t think he fully comprehends just how disruptive his snoring is to your sleep and that you simply want him to see it for himself and then you can tape over it… never to be seen again/shared, he might agree to let you tape him. Once he sees himself “cutting logs” (my husband’s phrase), he may have a better understanding of what you have been dealing with. He may even be able to see with his own eyes on the tape times where he stops breathing and then snores/snorts to catch his breath.
Seeing my daughter imitate my snoring was eye-opening for me! :)
Ashley S.
May 20, 2008 at 7:21 am
You should make an audio recording of him snoring! That’s it.. do you have a pretty good stereo system in your house? See where I’m going with this?.. Turn it on really loudly when he’s dozing off..or stick it in the car when he’s about to leave for work…Too funny.
Tracee Sioux
May 20, 2008 at 7:30 am
I’m sorry. I just don’t think rational is going to work. Trying to rationalize him into doing something is like beating my own head against a brick wall. There’s no point.
I’ve run out of strategies. I don’t even think he’d watch a video and he would consider it an act of war if I made one.
He sleeps on the couch when he drinks (which increases the decibel of the snore by about 10Xs and he’s exercising (being overweight increases the decibel and frequency as well). He wears the snore strips. I have ear plugs - but they make my head feel like it’s underwater and I hate it. Not to mention no one can hear the baby crying if I wear earplugs. (Obviously he’s deaf in his sleep or he would be awakened by his own snoring.)
We’re buying a new couch that we desperately need. Maybe I’ll sleep on it just enough to make myself look like I’m cooperating.
Ashley S.
May 20, 2008 at 7:36 am
LOL.. Tracee, I think we’re married to long lost twin brothers.. I. Am. So. Sorry.
Some nights I actually kick him really hard (oopsie!) to wake him up which will buy me some time to get to sleep before it starts again..LOL Sleep deprivation makes a person crazy.
Jeanne
May 20, 2008 at 7:50 am
I’m actually not suggesting being rational in this case. Rational would be “make the snorer find another place to sleep” but I’m suggesting the “be grateful he’ll alternate”. So I hear you there. You are right about the “act of war” thing if you did the video without authorization. That’s why I stressed getting his buy-in. Even if you don’t think he’d be inclined to watch it, maybe somehow/some way you can catch him in a perfect moment and get his agreement to tape it. If sharing the tape with the kids (and no one else outside your immediate family) wouldn’t be perceived as an “act of war”, maybe the kids assist you in getting him to understand how severe this problem is. If that’s not an option, maybe the kids could just watch him snore and then imitate how it sounds. Kids are known for being authentic and sincere. If he sees how his own children perceive it, it might get through to him. As far as the alcohol factor… my sister is currently going through a divorce. While the reasons for her divorce are diverse and multifaceted, her husband is morbidly obese and snores LOUDLY. He refuses to get it checked. His daily/nightly routine before she left him last month was: work, come home and eat dinner, grab a beer, sit in his favorite chair, and conk out. SNORE SNORE SNORE. Eventually he would wake up just enough to make it to bed. Then he would get royally ticked at my sister when his snoring drove her out of the bed. (In his case, his size was such that there wasn’t much room left in the bed for her despite the fact that she’s probably about a size 4). She would end up finding someplace else to sleep. You have a good point that the most comfortable earplugs aren’t the answer because someone needs to hear the baby and it doesn’t sound like it’ll be him. It’s great that you’re getting a new couch and I truly hope it helps. At the same time, the level of severity you’re describing of your husband’s snoring combined with being overweight (a risk factor for sleep apnea) are concerning. I hope the couch will be the “fix it”; I hope it’s not a band-aid. Sorry if I sound negative. I listened to my sister talk about her husband’s snoring and sleep dysfunction for years and it was a big problem for her. In her case, she has a 5 year old daughter and for those 5 years she has put her to bed 98% of the time (because he had already fallen asleep in his chair) and she is the one who always responds to any middle-of-the-night issues (because he sleeps through them). This is about more than just snoring.
Tracee Sioux
May 20, 2008 at 7:50 am
I shove him a lot. And wake him to ask him to sleep on his side most nights.
I tried turning on a meditation CD last week and he screamed at me for disturbing HIS sleep! “ARe you out of your ever-loving mind? YOU disturb MY sleep which is WHY I NEED THE MUSIC!!!!!!!”
Yeah, that’s a fun conversation at 2 am!
Tracee Sioux
May 20, 2008 at 7:55 am
You’re right Jeanne. Truly I am grateful. We have a friend who said he “would no way in hell wear snore strips.”
Of course he sleeps alone after the divorce because that was pretty much his attitude about all of her issues in their marriage.
My husband will go to CVS at 10 pm if he runs out of snore strips and he’ll volunteer to sleep on the couch more than half the time so I can sleep. If I wake him up he’ll trade off to go get the baby.
Really, I’m just bitching and complaining at this point.
Ashley S.
May 20, 2008 at 7:59 am
I hear you, ours is much more explicit..
Personally I’m partial to the “Ashley! wake up, Jeremiah’s up” This is hilarious to me. Because if it wakes HIM up and not me once a week, I expect him to get his lazy but up and get the freakin bottle (yes, we’re still on the bottle - don’t ask)! Instead, he wakes me up to get the baby because “He’s saying Mama”…of course he’s saying mama, I’m the one that actually gets out of bed (even if I am cursing and ‘accidently’ ripping the covers off of him and turning on the hall light (really bright and shines in our bedroom - oopsy!) and goes to our BABY! I’m really sick of it. My life is exactly the same (as far as home duties) as it was before I started working full time.. That is NOT right.
Ashley S.
May 20, 2008 at 8:02 am
At least he’s trying to comprimise..do the strips not help at all?
Tracee Sioux
May 20, 2008 at 8:53 am
The strips do help considerably. And there is a spray I ask him to shoot in his mouth too if he wakes me - Snore Stop.
No, you’re “home” work should not be the same if you are working Ashley. Make him pick up his slack.
Strike.
Jeanne
May 20, 2008 at 9:13 am
On the rare occasion my husband snores, I gently roll him from his back to his side and say, “honey… I can’t sleep because you’re snoring”. I’m very lucky that this usually works. The specialist who referred me for sleep apnea testing said that sometimes people sew a tennis ball inside the back of their pajamas so that when they roll on their back during sleep, they will get poked in the back with a tennis ball and will, without even waking up in most cases, just naturally roll back onto their sides. I’ve since heard this “tennis ball” method elsewhere. I never tried it. I got diagnosed with sleep apnea and the machine keeps me from snoring. It also blows cold air on my husband (oops - sorry about that, honey!) but it is what it is. Anyway, if there’s extra weight I would be more concerned (long-term) about the health implications for your husband than anything. I’m certainly NOT dismissing what you’re going through. I listened to my sister (just about daily if not daily) on the phone about her husband’s sleep dysfunction. (In their case, she was very concerned because he had fatal heart disease in his family and he is very high risk for a heart attack). I’m not trying to be a fear-monger. I’m sorry if that’s how it sounds. As far as the meditation CD to get to sleep yourself inducing a fight at 2 am… YES YOU NEED A COUCH as at least a short term solution. I’m just not sure it’s a long term solution. Only you two will be able to figure that out (and how his health is in the future)…
Tracee, you are right that there are some people out there (i.e. my brother-in-law and your friend’s ex-husband) who refuse to make any effort to address the problem. It sounds like your husband is definitely making an effort (10 pm runs to CVS and taking his turn with the baby). That is huge. Effort matters. It’s when people stop caring enough to make those little overtures that things really can get messy. Also, it’s your blog… so you can bitch all you want. :) Sometimes venting helps let off some steam.
Ashley, I empathize with you. Too many moms keep doing EVERYTHING they were doing at home pre-kids (without ANY extra help getting added in from their spouse pitching in… or their spouse even really taking time to really consider how much things have changed in the household), add in the demands/responsibilities of caring for a child or children, and then go back to a full time job as well. So… the way I look at it you are working the equivalent of 2+ full time jobs. Keeping a house running is a job. Raising a child is a job. Working full time is a job. The idea that you can keep a PERFECT “June Cleaver” house running AND raise children AND work outside the home full time is (in my mind) a recipe for burnout, resentment, and even illness. You may be able to juggle all of the balls for awhile but, for most, it’s tough to keep everything running up to their standards (happy & thriving child/ren, productive/successful employment situation, clean house… in the long term). If your husband can’t get the baby bottle once a week… hmm. Let’s see. I don’t want to get you riled up and into a fight with your husband or anything. So let me figure out how to best word this.
If you’re 3 years into your marriage and you’re already as overwhelmed as it sounds like you may be (and I don’t know you so maybe I’m just hearing the extreme stuff during venting and that’s OK too). Anyway, I guess I’m wondering if the fact that you’re doing so much juggling now is setting a precedent for the rest of your marriage. I’m not trying to be “gloom & doom”. I just know that my sister (the one who left her husband last month) kept a perfect house, did 99% of the overall care for their child, and did work in the home (during part of their marriage)… plus she is disabled. After a decade of marriage (many years of which she felt “trapped”, to use her word, mostly due to not having enough money to survive independently), she has gotten a part time job and has left him. You are not my sister. The reason I cite her story as an example is that she bent over backwards to make the perfect home and do a fantastic job raising her child while enduring her husband’s untreated but very obvious sleep apnea problem, his fatigue, his morbid obesity… Finally, she just couldn’t live like that anymore. Again, she’s not you.
I have to tell you, though, that when I read your post about the once a week, “he’s saying Mama”… I have to agree with you that the baby is calling you because he knows you are the one who will get up and feed him during the night. Now, if your husband possibly has sleep apnea (???)… I only bring this up since you referred to him as a “twin” to Tracee’s husband. IF he has sleep apnea (again, I’m totally guessing) or is just a deep sleeper/sleep talker, then he may even be talking in my sleep! I talk in my sleep. I hate it. I don’t like the idea that I talk without being conscious of what I’m saying. But it happens. Your husband might NOT be lazy. He may truly wake up just enough to hear the baby semiconsciously (and even quote the baby) but TRULY not be awake enough to really “get” what’s happening.
I don’t know your husband. So I can’t say which category he falls in. I do know that I have tried everything I can think of to be able to hear in my sleep. Sometimes I can and sometimes I can’t. It depends on how tired I am, my medications, all sorts of things. My point is that maybe your husband really is purposely trying to consciously get you to care for the baby at night OR maybe he is talking in his sleep and truly unaware (or not fully aware until you’ve already gotten up or returned to bed post-feeding).
Regardless of all that, I’m just concerned that it sounds like you’re trying to pull a June Cleaver with the house, be primary caregiver for your child(ren?), and work full time… That’s just a lot for one person to tackle. You may juggle those balls in the air for now but someday in the future, something may come crashing down. I’m watching my sister go through it now; it’s not pretty.
My advice would be to get your husband in a great mood (if possible: have a fun date, go to dinner). In a non-sarcastic, sincere, heartfelt tone… I would let him know if you’re feeling overwhelmed (use your own words… that is just an example).
If he is receptive, let him know how he could help more around the house or with the baby.
I would try to find a peaceful way of balancing your roles now… rather than waiting until years from now when it’s too late.
My therapist had talked with my husband and me about the whole notion of how roles change within the family once children are born and how important it is to have balance. I think it’s really true.
Jeanne
May 20, 2008 at 9:34 am
When I was little, my mom went on “strike”. For real. (I think it lasted a week. It was NOT a fun week). My dad, my 2 sisters, and I thought she was nuts. (I think she had seen an afterschool special or movie that mentioned or joked about moms “going on strike” and decided to implement it in our house. She kept a “June Cleaver” house and I look back now and feel badly at just how much work she did in the house! She was also a bit of a control freak. So the rare times my sisters and I tried to do household chores, she’d basically correct us or re-do it to her satisfaction. So we just gave up trying. My dad did practically nothing to help around the house. It’s funny because he finally started pitching in around the house years after we were all grown and gone. My mom was working (and still is) a job with tough hours and it was physically impossible for her to keep up the pace she’d had on the homefront and do this job. So now he does laundry (if you knew him, you’d be passing out now!) and everything. It’s amazing that he finally started helping her once he reached about 60 years old. Ashley, you don’t want to wait for help around the house until you reach your 60s! I don’t know how the hell my mom did it all those years. I feel kind of badly about it because she did SO MUCH. Like I said, though, whenever we kids did TRY our best to help out, she was so critical that we just found something more fun to do. I’ll admit it… I was spoiled with the household chore factor. I have to tell you, though, that it has led to me being terrible at keeping my own house picked up. No matter how hard I try, it’s never anywhere approaching how tidy my mom kept the house growing up. (Of course, there are many household chores that are vitually impossible for me to do with my illnesses but I know part of my problem is just the not learning how to organize a house properly in the first place).
Tracee Sioux
May 20, 2008 at 9:40 am
My husband does almost all the dishes. It’s the thing I like best about him. Dishes Strike.
The baby is sleep trained - I stopped giving him the bottle in the night and stopped bringing him to bed with me. If husband complains - tell him he’s free to deal with it. Baby Strike.
Strike is a strategy I’ve found to be effective in my house.
Talking nicely had no effect at all.
Ashley S.
May 20, 2008 at 9:40 am
The only thing I can really strike on is his laundry..anything else I let slide will eventually hinder me from feeding the children or keeping them clean..And also, I feel pretty sure I would buckle before he would - I don’t know if I could handle losing the bluff AND having days of cleaning ahead of me..
There’s just such a freaking double standard. I love my husband and in many areas he is wonderful - he doesn’t cheat, or roam, or criticize me, we have great sex, he works, he’s a good daddy, he’s clean…but he has no concept of “fairness” and I don’t know how to not be offended by his lack of respect for the golden rule.
Last night (at 8pm) my husband went to lay down and I came in and said “you goin to sleep? I was going to get the boys to bed” he says “yeah - I’ve got to work tomorrow or I would help” I just stood there like WHAT?! Are you kidding me? I have work too! And about a million other balls to juggle! And noone’s taking care of my children and doing my laundry and washing my dishes.
Tracee Sioux
May 20, 2008 at 9:41 am
Telling him “sincerely how I felt” is just an invitation for sneering.
Tracee Sioux
May 20, 2008 at 9:46 am
That’s the beauty of the strike - you realize the children can forage for food if they get hungry (My friend hides secret paper plates for HERSELF) and children don’t really need all that bathing. Even my two year old can get himself an apple.
Strike’s not for the faint of heart. You have to be willing to live with imperfection. You have to hold out long enough to where HE can’t live with it. (Which is usually way past your own standard).
In fact, when you think about it - this is probably HIS strategy (If I say I have to work she’ll just do it). If I doze off on the couch, she’ll just do it.
It works for him. Turn-about is Fair Play.
Ashley S.
May 20, 2008 at 9:56 am
“If I doze off on the couch, she’ll just do it.”
That’s exactly what I”m saying. That’s us and it really, really hurts me. I love my husband and when I see him overwhelmed with something or stretched too thin I feel COMPASSION for him and want to try and help..His reaction is to feel extreme sleepiness, laziness and relief that it’s being handled..I love the secret paper-plate thing, we are soooooo doing the laundry and dishes strike..
Jeanne
May 20, 2008 at 10:02 am
OK. When I put the “sincerely how I felt” on the table, I hadn’t read the other posts since. Ashley, here’s my opinion… you can’t do everything. I watched my mom do it for, like, 30 years and she still resents the hell out of all of us. I agree with the strike. You won’t cave because then you will have done more harm the good. Take whatever time you need to prepare. Be sneaky if needed. Like wash everything but his clothes and then announce your strike. That way you and the kids can continue in clean clothes during the strike. If needed, you can secretly wash just a few of your clothes or the kids’ during the strike. But don’t wash his. Sink full of dirty dishes and none that are clean? Guess it’s eating out night. He may not like the expense but he can wash dishes too. If he wants to eat at home, then maybe he’ll be motivated to wash dishes. You know his “triggers” better than anyone. Everyone has their triggers w/household chores. If my husband gets to the dishwasher before me and it’s full of clean dishes, he gets ticked. But I can’t complain because he does all the cooking and washes the pans. Whatever division of tasks works in your house is what you want to achieve. Giving up hope for improvement of balancing things out 3 years in is a guarantee for you to wind up resentful… and probably frustrated and angry for good measure. You don’t want to play martyr, either. My mom used to do that and it really backfired with the whole family. I would just be straight up with him. I would try to be careful to avoid sarcasm, swearing, or even nasty tone of voice. I would carefully pick a good time for the discussion. If he won’t budge, I would research marriage and family therapists in your area, find one that you know is taking new patients, takes your insurance, etc. You don’t have to volunteer that you’ve done all this legwork. You aren’t being secretive. You’re just saving the option in case it’s needed. (You do NOT want to wait until there is an urgent need for a therapist to get hooked up w/a good one. You want to scope that out first). Anyway, if he truly can’t see how unfair it is for you 2 full time employees not to be equally sharing the household duties, I would pursue therapy. You’ll have a better chance to avoid being one of those divorce stats if you can get professional help in balancing the roles in the family. Marriage and family therapists are taught how to deal with this stuff. If you need them, you might want to seriously consider using them. Better proactive than reactive. Just ask my sister.
Jeanne
May 20, 2008 at 10:04 am
Ditto what Tracee just said about the strike. It’s not for the feint of heart but it can bring positive results if implemented properly.
Therapy is good too.
Tracee Sioux
May 20, 2008 at 11:32 am
Maybe compassion isn’t in them? Maybe they don’t feel things the way we feel them. They were conditioned with a different set of rules than we were. Our set of rules prized compassion and their set prized winning.
Once I accepted that my husband does not FEEL things as deeply as I do and just decided I was going to require BEHAVIOR and not feelings - things went much better.
My husband didn’t care that it was taking me forever to do my work on an old computer.
Until HE worked from home one day and found it frustrating and impossible. My computer went to the top of the list.
Whenever possible I try to make him see how it feels. Strikes are good for that. Turn about is fair play. As I said.
He’ll be working from home when I go to Austin - working with my little companion Zack. I can not wait to see how much he gets done. Going out of town is a good strategy for realizing they CAN run a house - they just choose not to if we let them.
I usually get more compassion when I return.
He said the sleep apnea thing is on his list to talk to the Dr. about. I think it’s because I said I want my own room in our next house.
Ashley S.
May 20, 2008 at 11:50 am
Was it scary for you to go out of town and leave them the first time? That sounds so scary to me.. And also - does he do the housework when you’re gone?
Tracee Sioux
May 20, 2008 at 1:26 pm
No, it wasn’t scary. No I don’t miss them. Yes, I leave them for a weekend at least once or twice a year. Certainly overnight or for the day more often than that.
I feel relieved of responsibility. I could jump for joy not having to carry around a 30 lb baby. I feel like I can think my own thoughts without hearing “drink, drink, drink!” It centers me and makes me feel like “more than mom.”
We tell the kids it’s bonding time for Daddy.
My house is usually clean when I get back, “let’s clean the house for mommy.”
Your husband is probably perfectly capable.
Mine certainly is. He can cook (everyone can pour cereal). He can clean. He can make sure the kids eat and sleep and bathe. If I’m jumping in to always do it for him then he won’t - but he can.
Sometimes we create our own traps. But, if we create the trap, we can create the way out of the trap.
Go away for the weekend. I bet when you come back you’ll find your husband had no choice but to step up. Do it during the week when he has to work and you’ll increase his empathy for your situation by 100 times.
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Jeanne
May 21, 2008 at 7:02 am
Tracee,
With all due respect, I think it would be an overstatement to say “compassion isn’t in them”. I honestly believe that men are truly capable of being compassionate. :)
I do, however, believe they process emotions quite differently than women, as a general rule. I think that saying “compassion isn’t in them” is probably not the optimal way of wording it or looking at it (no offense).
If guys made blanket statements about a positive quality equivalent to compassion (but one associated more with men) “not being present in women”, we’d probably get a little bent out of shape.
True, compassion might be associated by some as tied more to women than men. True, our society as a whole may promote and teach that with the whole “condition females practically from birth to fill the ‘nurturer’ role”.
At the same time, I think we have to be very careful not to label men as not being compassionate.
Let’s just say a man said “maybe competitiveness just isn’t in women”. We’d be ticked, right? Some of the most competitive people I know are women. However, it’s not a quality/role that’s quite as heavily promoted for women as for men in our society.
I do think men “feel things differently”. It’s the old nature vs. nurture controversy. Well, we know that nurture (environment) factors in to how men may appear “less compassionate” than women (even if they feel similarly inside and just don’t show it, keeping a stoic outer appearance). What about nature? Are men wired different biologically? Sure they are. Does that extend to emotions specifically? I think it probably does.
I just think we need to be careful about labeling men as uncompassionate when in reality they may well be capable of compassion similar to/equal to women but they express it differently or may even hide emotions to appear “macho”, as society as conditioned them to do.
I hear what you’re saying loud & clear. At times, I have thought (as you do) that my husband does not FEEL things as deeply as I do. In time, I have come to question whether I was looking at it multidimensionally, though. Maybe this is just semantics. I do agree that focusing on BEHAVIORAL expectations certainly works better than trying to expect someone to FEEL the way we want them to feel. We can’t control other people and we certainly can’t control their feelings. So I agree with you 100 % on that!
I also totally agree that someone else “feeling the pain” (i.e. your husband using your old snail computer versus just hearing you complain how slow it was) IS very helpful. In a way, that is an example of where it sounds like your husband had compassion for your situation with snail computer once he actually experienced the frustration of working on it himself.
You have very good ideas about how to make your husband SEE how things feel rather than just “talking to him about it”. Maybe I need Tracee boot camp. :)
Sometimes I fall into the trap of trying to TALK with my husband when I should be somehow demonstrating things so he can SEE it not HEAR me say it. (He sure knows how to tune my voice out after 10 years). :)
That’s fantastic that you go on trips. I have no doubt in my mind that my husband would handle that perfectly fine and I have no fear of being away from home. Financially, this hasn’t been an option and traveling is tough with my illnesses (especially if I didn’t have someone helping me carry bags and stuff). However, I know my husband could hack it if I went away for a trip.
He had a crash course early on in running the show at home. (Granted, he hadn’t returned to work yet but he was also driving 90 minutes round trip a day to visit me in the hospital). When my daughter was a few days old, I was re-admitted to the hospital. While hospitalized for 10 days (after only having been home with our newborn baby for 5 days), my husband was 100% responsible for the baby and the house plus he was visiting me in the hospital and playing pit dog as my health care proxy against a hospital that wasn’t following an of its own rules. So he was a busy guy!!
As sad and stressful as that time was (while also very joyful because our miracle baby had just been born and we were beyond ecstatic too!!!!!), it got my husband over his fears of caring for a newborn (something he had zero experience with but did a fantastic job at). It also created a deep bond between him and our daughter. Men ARE capable of compassion! They may just not show it the way women typically do.
It’s great that you get more compassion when you return from a trip. (See, men must be capable of compassion if your husband gives you more compassion when you return). :) :)
Even the fact that he is saying the sleep apnea thing is on his list to talk to the Dr. about is a huge step in the right direction. I would suggest being patient and giving him a chance to address it without bringing it up repeatedly. You may tick him off and he may take it off his list to spite you. (At least that’s how it goes sometimes in my house).
The fact he even is talking about addressing it is huge. I would let nature take its course. Maybe the visual of needing to buy a house with an extra room because of those issues (and the $ signs his brain was affixing to getting a house one room bigger for that!) DID help him reach the point of “putting it on the list for talking to his doc”.
I think we’re selling guys short, though, if we entertain the notion that they lack compassion. I think, for most guys anyway, they just don’t express it the way we do. I do believe it’s in there!
Tracee Sioux
May 21, 2008 at 7:06 am
I didn’t say they weren’t capable of it. I said they aren’t conditioned to automatically experience it the way we are.
I think our habit of compassion creates unrealistic expectations for them. We expect the same level of them and they fall short so we then are hurt. If we just accepted this isn’t how they were taught to relate to the world we’d be more effective.
They don’t think the same that we do. To expect them to is self-defeating because it’s not getting us what we want.
Tracee Sioux
May 21, 2008 at 7:17 am
Certainly I can attempt to condition my son towards compassion, but I have found it to be a self-defeating losing battle to attempt to recondition my husband toward compassion.
Ashley S.
May 21, 2008 at 7:17 am
That’s a good point.
I feel a little guilty for my rant yesterday.. I guess God heard me and wanted to show me he is still capable of miracles.. Yesterday afternoon was hectic with a ballgame and lots of other stuff. My husband stayed home with the baby..when I arrived home he had already (GASP) given him a bath and supper..he then gave our oldest a bath and supper.. and in my crazy state of shock it occured to me to see how far this miracle would stretch and I asked him to wash some of the dishes while I read bedtime books..AND HE DID..ALL OF THEM..no fit, no whining, he just did it. And I got in bed before 10:00! This NEVER happens.
I’m not sure exactly who to be grateful to..but I definately am - blanket statement: Thank you God, Husband and maybe friends who prayed for me last night..
Jeanne
May 21, 2008 at 7:18 am
Maybe I misinterpreted what you were saying with : “Maybe compassion isn’t in them?”…
I agree with you that way society conditions boys and girls (who grow into men and women) ABSOLUTELY sets up unrealistic expectations of not just feelings but roles and boundaries and dreams and hopes and visions.
I think everyone has a dream in their head of how things will be “when they grow up” and often our adult lives are different than the dream we had as kids, regardless of gender.
Different isn’t necessarily bad. Different than what we dreamed as kids can be a good thing. Sometimes I think people have a hard time letting go of “unrealistic dreams”, though.
I totally agree with you that the way men’s and women’s compassion gets processed/channelled sets us up for miscommunication and unrealistic expectations gong both ways: what women expect of men and what men expect of women.
I agree with everything you said. I know I expect things my husband can’t do/be. He does the same thing to me. It’s frustrating.
Ashley S.
May 21, 2008 at 7:21 am
I’m trying to do that too Tracee. To make sure my boys don’t get that priveledged, “I am man, and I only do Man chores and cry at westerns” attitude. I’m trying really hard to raise boys who will be good men. Although I do want them to be ‘manly’ I want them to have a sense of fairness, a sense of compassion, a respect of women, and a conscience..
Jeanne
May 21, 2008 at 7:23 am
Tracee,
What you said about your husband and your son makes perfect sense.
Jeanne
May 21, 2008 at 7:26 am
Tracee,
You go, girl! I think all moms who can afford to swing a trip occasionally (and are healthy enough to do the traveling) should do so. You are smart to take some time to yourself. It’s also good for your husband, kids, and marriage. :)
Tracee Sioux
May 21, 2008 at 7:30 am
Really, to be honest, my husband is a great guy. Most women would kill to have him. He’s very equitable in many ways.
He just doesn’t see through the lense of compassion and empathy like I do. I seriously place myself in everyone’s shoes and imagine how they feel. It’s just what I do. It took a long time to realize he just doesn’t approach the world like that.
When I stopped expecting it I dealt with him in a more effective way. And it reduced my hurt felling dramatically.
Tracee Sioux
May 21, 2008 at 7:35 am
Ashely I am so happy for you.
Step back and give him the opportunity and expectation so he can step up.
Ashley S.
May 21, 2008 at 7:39 am
That’s the plan.. I see WAY more me time in the near future.
Jeanne
May 21, 2008 at 7:42 am
Ashley,
Please don’t feel guilty. You did nothing wrong. I’m very happy for you that things went so well last night. Your husband came through for you at a time when you needed that ray of hope. That’s awesome!! Whatever or whoever factored in to make things come together, the fact is you sound happy and grateful for it and that’s what matters. So don’t spend precious energy feeling guilty.
Just enjoy the nice night you had last night. You can call it God, Husband, friends’ prayers, synchronicity… Whatever you call it, it sounds like you had a great night. So enjoy the moment. :)
As far as raising your boys to be something other than the whole “macho cowboy” persona, that’s great that you are giving thought to that stuff!
When my husband’s parents divorced, my husband taught himself to cook QUICK! He and his brother lived with his dad after the divorce; he was 15 at the time. His dad did not know how to cook at all (or passive-aggressively did reverse psychology & pretended to be the world’s worst cook on purpose, which I would not put past him). So, my husband learned how to cook because the couple of meals his dad made were apparently the worst meals of my husband’s life. (He says he learned to cook for “survival”).
When I met my husband, he was a great cook and I was the opposite. I’m obviously not suggesting that cooking is for women and not men! Back then, however, women in America really did do most of the cooking. So I was amazed when I met my husband at what he could whip up in the kitchen!
This is just an example of how men and women get pegged into certain roles but roles have been evolving for awhile now and it is important for today’s children to be flexible, to learn things associated with supposed “male traits” AND supposed “female traits” as far as activities and skills they’ll be able to carry with them throughout their lives. :)
Karen @ Little Fun
May 26, 2008 at 12:40 pm
My husband has been having horrible problems sleeping and he’s tired ALL the time! After about a month of me telling him to call for a sleep study, he finally did . . . but only after he saw googled sleep apnea. He found out that there are some health risks. He went to the doctor for his first consultation. He has to go back in another week or so. I’ll be SO GLAD when he gets this sleep study. It has been a rough few months!!!!
Tracee Sioux
May 27, 2008 at 7:17 am
Let me know how it goes Karen. My hub says he’s going to ask the Dr. about it. (Whether a sleep study happens will pretty much depend on whether our health insurance covers it I imagine.)
Karen @ Little Fun
May 27, 2008 at 7:20 am
My aunt had a sleep study done last year. She said she was tired all the time and that she couldn’t wait for her husband to leave every day so that she could sleep without him knowing. She now has a breathing machine and she has a lot more energy. She’s active again and exercising. I’ve heard my husband gasp for air a few times this week. I’m anxious for him to get the study done. I’m praying for some good sleep for both of us!
Jeanne
May 27, 2008 at 8:22 am
While I obviously can’t say what your insurance will/won’t cover, I can tell you what I know in case it helps. It is my understanding that most insurance does provide some coverage for the sleep study itself. (Again, all HMOs run their own show. So if in doubt, call your HMO to inquire what your coverage is). Where most HMOs are not as nice about coverage is the CPAP machine itself. They may pay for a portion of it but it’s considered a durable medical device (akin to a nebulizer for an asthma patient or maybe machines diabetics use to monitor blood sugar). I have no clue why these devices aren’t covered as well as, say, an Rx prescription would be. In any event, the pries vary widely for CPAP machines and there are numerous models to choose from. In my case, I’m allergic to latex and I needed PVC-free equipment as well. The provider I worked with was fantastic and hunted down options that fit these parameters. As I am highly sensitive/allergic to many things, I still ended up having an allergic reaction to the headgear material. (Don’t worry. I’m weird. This wouldn’t happen to most people). Anyway, I tried a couple of headgears and found that by covering my headgear up (putting a barrier between my head and the headgear), I was able to stop getting sores all over the back of my head. Anyway, I’m not sure if it’s handled the same way nationwide but here was my experience with getting diagnosed with sleep apnea and hooked up with proper treatment for it:
1) My Dr. referred me to a sleep disorder clinic for an overnight study. I was given instructions on what to bring/do. I went for the study and the room was like a small hotel room (just me in the room). It had a TV and a bathroom right off of my room. They hooked me up with a bunch of wires that they basically looped right up through my pajama legs. No big deal. While I slept all night, they had a camera on me and watched me sleep (”is she snoring?” “is she gasping for air like she stopped breathing?”). Also, they obviously monitored me with all of the wires they had attached to me to basically see what my body was doing during sleep.
2) Eventually, I got word from my doctor’s office that the sleep disorder clinic results did show I have sleep apnea. (I remember thinking the diagnosis took longer than I had hoped but don’t remember the timeline).
3) I then went for a 2nd sleep study. This time, I wore a CPAP mask during the overnight study so that they could determine what the proper airflow would be for me. (Everyone is different so they customize this).
4) After the sleep studies, I was told that not only did I stop breathing X number of times throughout the night but that I was not getting any REM sleep/restorative sleep AT ALL! No wonder I was having the symptoms I was having.
5) I was given a choice of a few providers from which to obtain a CPAP machine. Not all providers are created equal. I called around to get “rough idea” price checks between providers and talked to people I knew who had CPAP to see if they liked their provider. I picked one that has excellent customer service.
6) Even if you find a provider w/excellent customer service, as I did… be forewarned. You don’t just walk in and buy a machine. Typically you lease it and most insurance pays a portion (say 50%) and then you pay the remaining portion (say 50%) each month. I believe my monthly payment was about $43.00. This contract usually lasts 10 months (at least in my part of the country). When 10 months is up, you might (depends on provider) be able to “call it even” and own it. The provider will try to have you upgrade when the contract ends because they won’t fix it if it breaks after that point. (I took my chances and became a proud owner of a well-running CPAP machine at 10 months. I couldn’t afford to upgrade and it’s still working fine).
So, that’s a sketch of the process of sleep apnea diagnosis, getting results of the overnight tests (may have to chase your doc office with phone calls for this), and finding an ethical CPAP provider who won’t rip you off.
CPAP machine are usually sold by oxygen supply healthcare companies, home healthcare companies, etc. Your doc should give you at least a couple of choices of providers that their patients have had good luck with in your area. Then you can whittle the list down from there.
I don’t mean to make the process sound so exhausting but I’ll be honest that it was draining in my case. The benefits of CPAP for sleep apnea patients are well worth it, though.
Patients are given a choice between CPAP headgear that attaches to some sort of mouthpiece or that attaches to a cannula which goes into the nostrils. Since I have TMJ, the mouthpiece did not seem to be a good option for me. Unfortunately, there are times I can’t use my CPAP machine, though, because my allergies and sinus problems sometimes create (sorry to sound gross) runny nose problems that make using the cannula quite impossible.
I mention this only to make you aware that there are various options out there for CPAP equipment and these are examples of things to factor in when selecting CPAP machine/headgear.
Hope this helps anyone who hasn’t yet “learned the ropes” of sleep apnea/CPAP. I was lucky to have a couple of support group members who had been through the process and gave me “coaching”. Best of luck!
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