Parents Watching Kids?
If you talk to people you’ll hear all about how the world is going to hell because parents aren’t watching their children anymore. I can hardly go to church, have lunch or momchat on the playground without hearing this come up.
Irresponsible parents do everything from let their children play with the neighbors to allowing their children to watch commercials on TV.
Don’t parents know commercials are full of sex and mass murderers inhabit next door.
It’s such a load of crap. It’s revisionist history really.
When I was a child my parents might not see me and my brothers for HOURS. We were always at the neighbors’ houses or in their yards. They summoned us by yelling out the door.
We had boundaries, of course. But, we were allowed free reign within those boundaries. Compared to today they were pretty liberal boundaries.
We were allowed to talk to people of different religions, we were allowed to play at our friend’s houses and even in the street. We walked to school and back - alone. We even rode the bus! We went to slumber parties.
(Psst. . . We even went to public school.)
Here’s the kicker - my parents were religious conservatives who had pretty strict standards for pretty much everything. If they erred - it was definitely on the side of caution. I rebelled because there were so many freaking rules I could barely stand my restrictive and confined life.
Of course, that’s before this latest parenting standard where “good parents” know where their children are every second of every single day and control what goes on. Talk about stifling creativity and killing childhood altogether.
There’s hysterical outcry about a woman who let her 4th grade child ride the subway alone in New York City in Newsweek.
I’m reading a memoir about Brooklyn at the turn of the last century. Children as small as 6 were being given a penny and being asked run to the corner store for bread. The same small child walks many city blocks to the city library and goes into the apartments of various shady characters because they are essentially harmless.
Safety is UP, Crime is down - stop being so damned paranoid! We’re turning children and parents into raving neurotics with TMI - too much information!
Swallow these feel-good and little-publicized statistics printed in the Newsweek story:
* Nationwide, stranger abductions are extremely rare; there’s a one-in-a-million chance a child will be taken by a stranger, according to the Justice Department.
* And 90 percent of sexual abuse cases are committed by someone the child knows.
* Mortality rates from all causes, including disease and accidents, for American children are lower now than they were 25 years ago.
* According to Child Trends, a nonprofit, nonpartisan research group, between 1980 and 2003 death rates dropped by 44 percent for children ages five to 14 and 32 percent for teens aged 15 to 19.
In other words children today are significantly safer than they were when I was growing up.
And yet when I’m around a growing proportion of parents being called HoverMoms in the media, and what I call Paranoid Parents - those that remain so close, watching every move of their child with minute scrutiny I am so uncomfortable (for fear the same scrutiny will be applied to me next) it makes me want to . . .want to . . want to . . .invite someone a little more mellow and a little less neurotic over to play.
I’ve been trying this experiment. When a parent talks about supervising their children in an overly cautious way or how no one else is doing so, I ask them if they were allowed to roam the neighborhood as children. Inevitably, their face lights up remembering this shared childhood bliss. Yet, they rob their children of the same treasured experience.
Free Range-Kids is a blog by the mother who let her kid ride the subway alone. She’s “pro-sane parenting” and I can’t really argue with that.
From Free-Range Kids: At Free Range, we believe in safe kids. We believe in helmets, car seats and safety belts. We do NOT believe that every time school age children go outside, they need a security detail. Most of us grew up Free Range and lived to tell the tale.
Childhood bliss with some freedom versus neurotic paranoia? Liberated bliss for me and my kids please.
Image: So Sioux Me (That’s right - no helmets)
Oh and one hint to combat paranoia - turn off the news.
More on why the news is banned in my house.
Tags: blog fabulous, empowering families, free range kids, hovermom, paranoid parenting, tracee siouxRelated Stories
POSTED IN: Fabulous Culture, Fabulous Mothering
21 opinions for Parents Watching Kids?
Rebecca
Apr 28, 2008 at 5:58 pm
Ouch. That’s pretty bold stuff, little mamma. I probably qualify as a helicopter parent. What we did roaming the neighborhoods 30 years ago is not the same as letting kids wander unsupervised these days. Sorry, I’m one of the ones who complain about parents not watching their kids.
Tracee
Apr 28, 2008 at 6:00 pm
What would be the logic behind that if kids are statistically safer?
lenore skenazy
Apr 28, 2008 at 7:22 pm
We are a movement and we are growing! I love this blog and am happy to read about another parent who believes in the world AND in her kids! — Lenore (a.k.a., “The mom who let her son ride the subway alone.”)
Tarah
Apr 28, 2008 at 7:29 pm
Maybe the death rate is lower for kids now and they are safer now BECAUSE of helicopter parents now days. I am with Rebecca on this one. Yep.
Violet
Apr 29, 2008 at 12:11 am
I’m for the free range kids. I was all over our neighborhood riding bikes and climbing trees. My parents let us have picnics with the hippies across the street and accept ribbon candy from all the little old couples in the neighborhood. I went inside their houses too, sometimes for hours.
We’d ride our bikes to throw rocks in the canal (yes, canal) and walk about a mile to Baskin Robbins or the skating rink. Alone. I went to sleepovers every weekend during the summer. We even slept out in the backyard and were allowed to build fires AND shoot bb guns.
After all this unsupervised play time, my mother still about drove me insane. I can only imagine how screwed in the head I would be and she probably would be too if we’d had to spend every waking moment together.
Tarah
Apr 29, 2008 at 4:03 am
I see NO problem with sleeing in tents in your own yard, going to the neighbors. etc,,most of the things Violet mentioned…I though would not let my 4 year old go out to play without me being out there. Its not like I would be glued to my children..but riding a subway alone..no way in heck. lol
Tarah
Apr 29, 2008 at 4:05 am
OH and going to sleepovers..of course that is OK ..to me a sleepover is supervised anyhow.
Rebecca
Apr 29, 2008 at 6:10 am
This is a different Rebecca. With mass media the world *seems* alot more dangerous than it used to be, but it’s not. I’m with Tracee on this one.
Ashley
Apr 29, 2008 at 7:09 am
I’m sort of on the fence.. I’m down with camping outside, climbing trees, bb guns etc. With boys I’ve had to let go of any notion that I can keep them from getting hurt while playing. I too get really tired of some moms who can’t even sit down on the bench at the playground to talk because they’re too busy assisting their 7 yr old on the equipment.
But for some reason I can’t get comfortable with my oldest (5) going outside by himself to play..and we live on the end of a slow street with only 2 neighbor houses. I guess I’ve just seen too many Lifetime movies in which the mom is dutifully washing dishes and gazes out the window hoping to see her little one playing and all of a sudden he’s gone…cut to her running around the neighborhood like a chicken with her head cut off, frantically screaming his name. Okay, I guess that’s what you’re talking about here though. I just don’t like the thought of him being out there all alone. I see your point though. Maybe we are taking some of the fun (and some of the self-taught lessons) out of childhood by being so cautious.
Tracee
Apr 29, 2008 at 7:28 am
The difference is perception. The news has changed. They give more graphic details that screw with our sense of wellbeing. Kids are safer. Not just the death rate is down - kidnappings are down, stranger molestation is down.
We’re inundated with a barrage of dangers on the news, in magazines, on the internet.
I saw an “alarming statistic” about children riding bikes on the news this week. Bicycles. They were filling the hour because they had nothing bad to report.
There is nothing different about this alarming statistic. We wear helmets now - so it’s SAFER to ride bikes than before.
But, because it was on the news as an “alarming stat” our perception of it is altered to negative.
Every one of us took the risk of riding a bike. We know it’s exhilaratingly and fun and also carries a little risk. But, how many parents will overlook their own experience and decide maybe bikes are too risky?
We’re giving our kids a negative perception of their well being and safety - not to mention inhibiting their risk taking skills. They’re learning to view the world as “too risky”, “too dangerous”, “everyone is out to harm me.”
Tarah
Apr 29, 2008 at 7:28 am
I hear ya Ashley.
I sit outside with my 2 boys..not hovering, but out with them..it only takes a SECOND for someone to snatch them.
And how may kids are snatched when their parent is outside with them. I’d guess zero.
Ashley
Apr 29, 2008 at 7:32 am
How old are your 2 boys Tarah?
I hear what she’s saying though Tarah. I have seen the hoverers at the playground and at school. I think SNL should do a skit about it. When I think of kidnapping the lifetime movie scenario plays in my head automatically.. What if I had never seen a lifetime movie?
Tracee
Apr 29, 2008 at 7:35 am
Tarah your child’s odds of being snatched at all is ONE in a Milllion. That’s very low and it’s less than it was when you were allowed to play outside alone.
Most children are snatched by parents.
I let my kids play in the backyard alone/together and I let my 6 year old play with her friends on the neutral territory island in the middle of the street.
Tarah
Apr 29, 2008 at 7:46 am
Believe me ..my kids are not attached to my butt(lol). Those lifetime movies are something, ..aren’t they? lol
If we go to the park no I do not follow them around from one thing to the other..yes I will sit and watch them play though. NO I would never just drop them off at a park.
Maybe I’m taking hovering the wrong way..I know some parents probably do freak their kids out with worry for no reason.
But the subway thing? no way..My youngest is 4 and I figure why not sit out with him?
Ashley
Apr 29, 2008 at 7:51 am
Maybe we’ll feel different at about 6 or 7? I don’t know. I do think tv and dramatic novels have played a huge part in my fears..
Tracee
Apr 29, 2008 at 8:04 am
Welcome Lenora - the mother of the free range movement by allowing her son some indepedence and the opportunity to stretch himself by trying something vaguely risky.
I’m afraid you may have missed her comment because it’s smooshed into the side bar (I’ve emailed support about this issue).
Ashley
Apr 29, 2008 at 8:08 am
Hi Lenora! Wow - you’re brave. I don’t think what you did was necessarily extremely dangerous - just courageous from a mom’s point of view.
Even if some people disagree with your decision and philosophy at least you are trying to think outside the box as a parent and really examining your decisions instead of going with the herd for appearances’ sake. That’s awesome.
Violet
Apr 29, 2008 at 8:49 am
I don’t think you should let your 4-year-old out to build fires and shoot guns (LOL), because that is too little. But every year you should let them stretch their wings a little more.
I won’t watch abduction stories anymore, unless they are local. And getting rid of the cable news channels made my whole world feel happier and safer.
Dawn Glover
May 29, 2008 at 6:00 pm
I have felt for years that most people parent in a different way than I do. I love for my children to have “normal” childhood experiences and parent that way. However, I have often been on the defensive with other mothers comments that are absolutely insulting and questioning my ability to take care of my own children properly. I have 3 wonderful girls that even these fear mongering women compliment. What is frustrating to me is that I don’t agree with their “hovering” methods, but am not rude enough to make comments to them on how the results may not be desirable. These women seem to me to be very unhappy and controlling and the kids are often delayed. How do we deal with this kind of ignorance. Why is it that us parents that let our kids live normally are treated this way
Tracee Sioux
May 30, 2008 at 7:27 am
I know exactly what you mean Dawn! I’ve been motherjudged for letting my 2 year old climb playground equipment - hello, it’s DESIGNED for children! What if he breaks his arm? Well, then we go to the doctor and he wears a cast. Worth it for all the fun of playing at the playground.
I’ve also been motherjudged for letting my child play at her friend’s house though I’ve not hired a private investigator. I’ve gone over there and corrected neighbor children for FatBitch name calling and then let her go play there the next day. Been motherjudged for that. They talked about sex and spoke to their parents and I let her go back.
Why?
She’s learning to navigate the world and problem solve and take care of herself.
A prison of our own making is still a prison.
I tend to think of these hovermothers as burdened with constant fear and then I feel sympathy for that condition. Also I try to think of them with the burden of overachieving and attempting to reach an ideal of parenting perfection and motivated by an overwhelming fear of being motherjudged.
Their biggest fear is to be judged by the other Mommies as not being the Perfect Mother. I try not to engage them, but when they engage me (and you’re right it’s odd how freely they feel they can and should engage me for letting my kids do stuff) I usually make a “politely snide” comment about not living in a bubble and childhood supposed to be fun.
They might make a comment about how capable my 2 year old can climb equipment and I’ll say, “All kids can do that if you let them.”
that girl
May 30, 2008 at 7:54 am
The other night I watched a show about the life of Dave and JaJa Martin. They’ve raised 3 kids on a 25 ft boat while sailing the world..literally, their children have seen the world. They spoke about having to endlessly defend their life choices to their peers (aka other parents) but have been patted on the back by older people. It was very, very good and a perfect example of all this unecessary judging.
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