Internalizing Kate
You were rude to your husband, my friend said to me on Sat. She had observed a completely ordinary interaction between my husband and I.
I responded to her criticism by going into defensive hyper-sensitive justification mode that quickly turned into sobs.
I’ve been internalizing every hateful, critical and harsh comment against Kate Gosselin mother of sextuplets and star of Jon & Kate, Plus 8, that has been written on my BlogFabulous post Kate Gosselin, Time’s Person of the Year. Evidently, many, many people find Kate’s treatment of Jon despicable beyond redemption.
My friend’s benign comment simply provided an excuse for all that internalized criticism to bubble over into weeping.
I don’t know Kate. But, I do share her flaw.
I have a tone and I speak rudely to my husband. Often. I sometimes yell at my kids. I’m aware of what it’s costing me in my marriage. I’m aware that it’s destructive to my children, especially my daughter who has already developed a tone that mimics mine, as you can see in this article Tone Turtle.
Every single day I try to “just stop doing it.” And every single day I fail. Miserably some days.
I spent a number of hours on Sunday in bed crying and loathing myself for my many failures as a wife and a mother. I got up and I failed again by screaming at my kids.
I won’t bore you with my justifications or excuses about why I do it, obviously that would be utterly pointless. If sextuplets is no excuse for a little bitchiness, I’ve got nothing to top it.
Then, I decided to follow the advice I recently read in an O Magazine article, The Woman Who Fell to Earth, by Martha Beck.
“Every moment you lose yourself by trying to be perfect, you’re failing. And the moment you accept that you’re failing, you’re succeeding again,”
Martha advises that whenever we fail as wives and mothers we should just accept the inevitability of failure and say, Oh well.
Here goes:
Some days I’m a total failure as a wife and mother (just like Kate Gosselin). Oh Well.
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POSTED IN: Fabulous Culture, Fabulous Mothering
21 opinions for Internalizing Kate
Jen
Dec 4, 2007 at 7:40 am
And some days (most) you are a bad ass mo fo who coaches a soccer team, cooks adventurous foods, changes poop, writes thought provoking articles, and starts exclusive book clubs like it aint no thang.
Douglas Karr
Dec 4, 2007 at 10:50 am
I’m not criticizing, only sharing. If today was the last day you could live with your kids and/or your husband, will they remember you the way you want to be remembered?
That’s what motivated me to change.
Violet
Dec 4, 2007 at 12:10 pm
I see a person who cares a great deal about her family and makes many efforts and sacrifices for them. I’m awed at what wonderful things you do! Focus on what you are doing right - you are such a success on so many levels. :)
We all have flaws, we all have things we are working on. Most of us treat our families badly from time to time. And take the brunt from them when they have a bad day too.
I’ve never seen the Gosselin show, but I know reality shows edit down a weeks worth of life into one hour. Of course they are going to pick the most outrageous parts! You are going to see comments out of context, partial conversations, and the very worst of a person’s behavior.
Susanna
Dec 4, 2007 at 2:17 pm
Yes, we all have our flaws. It is so hard to stop in the moment and do things differently. Sometimes, the best you can do is apologize for doing the wrong thing and just try to remember not to do it next time.
A book that my friends and I read in our women’s church group that we found really helpful was Words that Hurt, Words that Heal by Carole Mayhall. I found it really helped me keep my mouth from getting me into sticky situations.
rainman
Dec 29, 2007 at 8:33 pm
Don’t judge yourself so harshly. Noone is perfect! Perfectionism is a fatal flaw in women. And your friend should mind her own beeswax.
J & K + 8 = Emmy winners?
Jan 8, 2008 at 8:21 am
[…] right, we fight and love each other. Most married people do, marriage is hard, honey, I told […]
molly
Feb 6, 2008 at 10:50 am
I think it is so very easy to focus on all the negative things we do in a days time. Look at your next news broadcast or local paper and you will see this is commonplace. (or some of the negative comments from the Kate Blog)Having said this, I think what you need to do is focus on all the positive.(easier said then done I know) There is never going to be a perfect day but who cares! There are going to be beautiful moments that you miss out on if you are focusing on failures and negatives. I think you sound like a great person. Try to focus on each and every positive. Pat yourself on the back for even the smallest of successes. Anytime you encounter negativity of any kind mentally train yourself to tune it out. Follow a negative comment or tone with a positive one. I know this really does work. Best of all, be kind to yourself no matter what. If you are not kind to yourself how can you be kind to others. It is true what the old cliche says, love yourself! Take care of you! God Bless!
adam
Feb 10, 2008 at 8:23 pm
i think kate is a rude person and absolutely ignorant to everyone around her. The poor husband albeit a pushover and a geek gets the job done just as well as her but she feels threatened that he can do it so she always has to put him down.
i just finished watching the episode tonight feb. 10th where she hires the blond nanny who all the kids liked and behaved for. kate walks outside to the van and says i don’t think she’ll get it. why because they behaved and were quiet? hmm.
and when the girl left and said goodbye, kate had her back to her talking to the redhead friend and gave this ya whatever kind of goodbye.
if i was the blond i would have told here to stick it and just because she has 8 kids doesn’t make her special, just a pain in the ass.
Barb
Feb 19, 2008 at 2:36 am
I feel for Kate and Jon..they got more than they bargained for.I can see he wears the pants but she is the boss.Kate seems to constantly be at those kids.The entire family needs to let their hair down and relax and enjoy their life.Too much whining going on there now.Give the kids some space.
As for Kate and Jon..Wow hes a honey but the guy needs some credit..remember you are meant to be a help mate and play mate to your spouse.
What a beautiful family and I pray that God Blesses you and yours in every way.
Dakota
Feb 24, 2008 at 5:55 pm
no offense adam but who are you to critisize them? do you have to go through everything they go through on a day to day basis? I dont think so… and if you watched carefully the reason she didn’t get it was because she had conflicting schedules and wasn’t able to come on her times specified… she was also camera shy… and about jon and kates relationship we don’t know what goes on… they put hours and hours and hours into just one episode so, as was told earlier, what we see isn’t everything that happens! and as a good married couple they always make it a point to resolve their issues… and for them to still be in a marriage and making it, is a miracle in and of itself! Hats off to them not many people can do that… Oh and once again adam i wasn’t trying to be rude!
Angie Castleberry
Mar 12, 2008 at 7:10 am
Here’s the thing. Everyone is different, everyone has struggles. That is what makes the world go ’round. Kate and Jon are extremely brave to open up their lives for others to even have the opportunity to either be inspired by or to offer ‘feedback’. I can’t say most of us would put ourselves out there like that. I, personally, enjoy the show. Ok, I admit it-it my all-time favorite and I hope it never goes off the air. My brother and sister-in-law have 18 month old twin boys and it really helps them to feel like they’ve got it pretty easy, comparatively speaking. You have to take EVERYTHING in life one way or the other. You are either negative and critical or you are positive and reciprocate it. The choice is ours to make each day. I think Jon and Kate both do a great job of modeling this perspective for their children and, luckily, for many others as well. There will always be nasayers…just watch Horton Hears a Whoo and listen out for Carol Burnett’s character! Rock on Kate and Jon!
Sam
Apr 5, 2008 at 10:27 am
I think Kate does a great job on parenting. It is not easy to manage 8 kids at the same time! she kept her kids healthy and clean. It is not easy to do it, like i said.
Chrissy M
May 15, 2008 at 9:38 am
I think as humans we are not perfect. If you realize you have a problem. You will change with time. But as for Jon and Kate they have a typical Marriage. The great thing about them if you watch the show enough you’ll see they apologize about their mistakes. Thats important. If you feel you were out of line when you’ve calmed down apologize. Then take responsibility for what you’ve done. Never say if you wouldn’t have or if you didn’t. Just except that it was your mistake not “our” mistake. It will make a world of difference that I cant promise. Also remember being a Mom is a hard job no matter how many children you have. Their are emotions involved that get you riled up. SO dont beat your self up. Just apolgize and move on!
de
May 27, 2008 at 11:18 am
Hmmm - open up their lives to us on tv? Paahlease…i’m thinking they are making some pretty good $$$ with this show and the speaking engagements it’s generated for them….not to mention the FREE trips they’ve gotten as well as all the other freebies from folks and companies. A ‘typical’ family w/8 kids wouldn’t be seeing this kind of revenue! Are they exploiting their situation - perhaps…. food for thought (organic no less)
Tracee Sioux
May 27, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Everybody has to eat De. Especially people with 8 kids.
Grandmaof14
Jun 5, 2008 at 9:05 am
I have been watching ‘Jon & Kate Plus 8′ off and on since it started. It is a good show but I am concerned about the future relationships if Kate’s constant criticism of her husband and her dictatorial attitude with her children continues. Yes, we all have problems with our children and our spouses, but, as parents, it is our job to teach and set a good example. As neat and clean and well-behaved as her children are, Kate needs to remember that her husband is not another child; she is not always right; if her way is the only way, someday she may find herself on the way alone; she is developing habits of fault-
finding and too frequent criticism of her husband, Jon, that will not just go away when the kids are older and gone. He should be the focal point of your life. He’s who you started with and he is who you will ultimately end up with, if you treat him right, lovingly. I am the mother of 6 (grown) and grandmother of 14, ranging in age from 11 to 25. I did not have twins or sextuplets (wish I had) but I did, unfortunately, lose my husband when he was only 43 and my children were 9 to 22. Raising 6 children on your own is not an easy task either. But you know what? Others have done it. . .and others have raised multiples successfully too. None of us are alone in anything we do. So, just enjoy your kids, Kate, and your husband, and let them, when they are older, always remember a mother that was loving and kind and not always concerned about whether the kitchen got cleaned 3 or 4 times a day. OCD is your problem, don’t make it theirs. You are doing a fantastic job, but you need to relax!
Fan_Of_Jon&Kate+8
Jun 19, 2008 at 12:28 pm
Very well said Grandmaof14
Heidi
Jun 23, 2008 at 9:15 am
I love the show “Jon and Kate plus 8.” This is just an opinion, obviously. But I think they are both doing a great job. They seem to balance each other out very well. Their kids are very well behaved and I think they need the OCD personality of Kate. That’s what mothers do, love the kids, love the husband, clean the house, make the food and in between they make sure that all they’ve done doesnt come undone. Acting like you have OCD is part of keeping your family healthy and happy. Just imagine if she didnt worry about cleaning the kitchen after 8 kids. Or letting all 8 kids have markers and glue. HELLO…you are asking for a royal mess. And a mom/dad of 8 doesnt have time to clean all that up. I dont think they need to change a thing! They are awesome parents.
Kate Gosselin & Dirty Kids
Jul 10, 2008 at 5:00 am
[…] a huge fan (I watch for you, not for the kids) and I think you really should be Time’s Person of the Year, as I suggested […]
lori marler
Jul 15, 2008 at 2:49 pm
I enjoy watching your shows.you and jon are wonderful parents. i’mwatching your show right now.you are an inspiration to us all.
HjD
Aug 28, 2008 at 10:38 pm
Well, I honestly love Jon and Kate Plus 8, I think they are wonderful parents who sacrifice everything for their kids! I think all of you who judge them for being “not perfect” need to seriously think about your own life… you do the same things only in a different way! They love each other, and if they didn’t they wouldn’t be together! I think they have very well behaved children, and they raise their kids to know and love God, and that is the perfect foundation for any family! I also think that you have no idea how you would do things if you had 8 kids…. so I think all of you bad mouthy people with negative remarks need to find something better to do…. they are living their life, and apparently you watch their show, if you don’t support it, and it gets on your neves that much, don’t watch it!!! I think it is awesome that they get freebies, and other things, if you had that many kids…. and didn’t decide to “reduce” because you know the right for all those kids is to have a place in this world, wouldn’t you want freebies, I mean who wouldn’t. On the last note, I think they are a wonderful family, and I love watching their shows, and it is just so pitiful that anyone would say anything negative about people who are striving to do the best for their kids, seriously you should all be ashamed of yourself!!!!
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