Guest Post: Waffles & Spagetti
Thanks to That Girl for guest posting on Blog Fabulous today. That Girl lives in Louisiana and mothers two sons and a husband. She writes Hey You! Remember Me? where she takes us down memory lane with recollections about teenage life in the ’90s. Read her latest post Wannabe. I would post her beautiful photo, but she’s incognito due to the drug use and teen sex that comes up in bloggy memoir.
A couple of years ago my husband and I went through a pretty rocky spell. By rocky, I mean that I was constantly hurt and wondering “Who is this man?”… “How can he act like such a jerk while claiming his undying love for me?” As I drove home from running an errand one night, I heard Bill and Pam Farrel, relationship experts, discussing their waffles and spaghetti theory on the car radio. It was a revelation for me and there’s no doubt in my mind that God intended for me to hear it. In their book, Men Are Like Waffles–Women Are Like Spaghetti: Understanding and Delighting in Your Differences
“A man is like a waffle (each element of his life is in a separate box), why a woman is like spaghetti (everything in her life touches everything else), and what these differences mean. Then they show readers how to achieve more satisfying relationships.”
I haven’t read the book, but just hearing their radio interview opened my eyes to our communication flaws. According to the Farrels, men compartmentalize everything while we see everything as never ending series of related events. Just like a bowl of spaghetti, our experiences and emotions are all intertwined. Ladies, this completely explained these kinds of fights:
Me: How many times are you going to go to bed early and leave me w/ the housework and putting the kids to bed?! (@#$^#%@!)
Him: What’s your problem, I’m tired tonight!
Me: Me too! You ALWAYS do this!
Him: No, I don’t! Get off my back – I’m tired and I’m going to bed.
Me: It’s not just tonight! It’s every night!
Him: Quit over-reacting! Dang! Quit being a @%^#*! Just because I’m tired and want to go to bed!
See, from his “waffles” standpoint, we were arguing over his actions on just that one night. (Which, granted wouldn’t have been so horrible if it had been placed in its own little compartment out of context) But the way I saw it over in spaghetti-ville, we were arguing over a pattern…something repeated… something that had been building…something linked to related events from the past.
Later that night, I discussed this waffles and spaghetti theory with my husband and it has really helped our levels of communication and understanding. I told my husband that for women, there are no isolated events within a relationship. Each builds on the last to create the big picture. He takes stock of our relationship on more of a day-to-day basis, whereas I gather my conclusions from the complete experience.
The Ferrals also discussed the beauty of how these differences might complement one another within a marriage if we can learn to respect and appreciate them. For instance, men are better at focusing on one task at a time while we excel at multi-tasking. Also, those compartments become very handy when a man needs to tuck his fear into a nice little compartment to, say, rescue his family from a dangerous situation. And since we are so good at seeing the whole picture, we are the natural nurturers and caretakers. Of course, I’m not saying that women are incapable of rescuing their families, nor am I saying that men are incapable of nurturing. I’m saying that if you don’t want to keep on having the same fights over and over, it helps to understand and appreciate your partner’s natural inclinations and emotional tendencies.
Does this theory ring true for anyone else? Do you notice your husband easily isolating his emotions into separate compartments? Does he ever have a problem seeing how events are related to one another when it’s such an obvious connection to you?
I want to say a big THANK YOU to Bill and Pam Farrel for flipping a major switch in my own marriage.
For more information about the Waffle/Spagetti theory visit MasterfulLiving.com
Tags: bill and pam farrel, blog fabulous, empowering women, hey you remember me?, marriage advice, relationship advice, so sioux me, That Girl, tracee sioux, waffles and spagettiRelated Stories
POSTED IN: Fabulous Mars & Venus
8 opinions for Guest Post: Waffles & Spagetti
Tracee Sioux
Jul 16, 2008 at 9:32 am
I’d tell him he better make a damn waffle compartment for housework and bedtime. Quick!
Thanks for posting That Girl. Great Job!
that girl
Jul 16, 2008 at 10:18 am
Thank you Tracee - I enjoyed it.
And yes, he’s working on it.
Shelle
Jul 16, 2008 at 8:37 pm
Since I am one of your two…THAT GIRL…I thought I should comment. ANd this is actually an EYE opener. IT totally rings true with my husband and I…I can see now what you mean.
I’m going to have to click on that Link for further information! And I can’t wait to read your NEXT post even if you are dreading it…that means I am anticipating it!
It’s like waiting for a bit of freakin gossip to drop…you are killing me here!
Lori
Jul 16, 2008 at 9:23 pm
I actually just found your blog tonight through another blog I was reading. I read some of your blog before coming over here…very good reading and I could relate to things you wrote. This post was interesting and I think very true about men and women…makes a lot of sense to me. I am going to share this information with my husband.
that girl
Jul 17, 2008 at 5:59 am
I’m so glad y’all got something out of it! It really did help me understand my husband. It’s not really an excuse for his occasionally crappiness - but more of a plausible reason. It’s really helped me decided the right way to approach him when I’m mad. Now I try to word my complaints in a way that he’ll understand more clearly.. it really helped us communicate better.
Lori - I hope you’ll come back to heyyourememberme.com and here too - Tracee always has interesting stuff going on.
Shelle - I’m still dreading it - and procrastinating..going to get on it right now..or maybe after cruisin around a little while longer.
Jeanne
Jul 18, 2008 at 6:55 pm
thatgirl,
Wow! This is GREAT!!! I plan to share it w/my hubby! :)
Thanks,
Jeanne
P.S. Are you named “that girl” after the That Girl TV show with Marlo Thomas by any chance? Or was that show before your time? I vaguely remember seeing re-runs of it… single girl in the city. Kind of like a pre-Mary Tyler Moore/independent woman type of thing. I was just curious. You don’t have to answer why you’re “that girl” if you don’t want to. :)
that girl
Jul 20, 2008 at 4:16 pm
No, I’m afraid I haven’t heard of that “that girl”..my blog is kind of a collection of stories and memories from my past and in order to protect other people I’m keeping it fairly anonymous. Thanks Jeanne.
Jeanne
Jul 20, 2008 at 9:07 pm
thatgirl,
That Girl was a very groundbreaking show because the lead character was a single, independent female living on her own (a real novelty at that time)!!!
I think the show aired in the 1960s. (I was born in 1968).
I believe she lived in NYC on the show. Anyway, Marlo Thomas played the role of “That Girl”. Every time I see your posts I think of her!!!
Marlo Thomas is AWESOME! Her writings are great. She is a really big women’s rights/equal rights advocate!
She also happens to be married to Phil Donohue (the Phil Donahue talk show preceded Oprah, was on for many years, and was very popular).
Anyway, I’m showing my age (39)…
Marlo Thomas is carrying on her father’s legacy. Her dad has passed on but he was a famous TV star in his time too (Danny Thomas).
He founded St. Jude Children’s Hospital (treating childrens’ cancers). I think it’s in Tennessee?
Anyway, Marlo Thomas “took the reins” after his passing and you may have seen her on commercials for St. Jude, a hospital that does NOT EVER turn cancer kids away because they cannot pay!!!
They runs ads in November each year as part of their St. Jude’s “Thanksgiving” giving campaign. The ads feature stars like Robin Williams, Ray Romano, and John Goodman.
Anyway, it sounds like they do great, groundbreaking work and parents take their kids there from ALL OVER to obtain the reduced or free cancer care there.
All in all, Marlo Thomas is a very COOL woman to be associated with!
So, accident or not, you picked a great screen name! :)
Jeanne
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