Face Me
I missed my face.
My reflection is how I identify with my self.
It’s mysterious to me how I could look in the mirror every day, putting on make up, fixing my hair, or brushing my teeth and then be totally shocked when I saw a photo of myself. I was fat and didn’t see it. The power of denial about my weight issue confounded me for quite some time. I would see what I expected to see in the mirror, a memory of me, disregarding the number on my pants telling me there was an ever increasing problem.
Since losing 20-25 pounds I’m shocked at how much of that was on my face and neck.
When I look in the mirror it’s like finding my self again, a part of my inner identity that was hidden under a layer of puffiness.
I really missed me.
Tags: BlogFabulous, Body Image, Dieting, emotions-connected-to-weight-loss, fitness, identity-and-image, losing-weight, self-discovery, self-image, so sioux me, tracee sioux, weight-lossRelated Stories
POSTED IN: Fabulous Beauty Editor, Fabulous Body Image
7 opinions for Face Me
Candice
Aug 24, 2007 at 7:30 am
I am glad you found yourself, but guess what? You were still yourself when you were bigger. I am tired of people acting like being bigger is such a horrible thing to endure. Your subtle dig at the bigger you is part of the body image problem that permeates women’s issues and makes our daughters terrified to eat and love themselves through the normal ups and downs of owning a female body.
Some of us big people dare to like ourselves the way we are and, gasp, think we are beautiful and “still ourselves” no matter our size. I guess you think I am in denial…
Tracee
Aug 24, 2007 at 9:46 am
Candice,
I’m sure if you stick around long enough you’ll find that you’re way off-base about my views on body image.
Please lower your defenses long enough to read a few other blogs I’ve written about body image: http://traceesioux.blogspot.com/2007/01/self-loathing-sin-bank.html and http://www.blogfabulous.com/whats-wrong-with-this-picture/ and http://www.blogfabulous.com/influence-the-collective-conscience-of-girlness/ and http://www.blogfabulous.com/i-hate-my/ are very good indicators that I’m extremely aware of the consequences to girls if we continue self-loathing about our bodies.
However, if my body size continued to increase (I was at a 16 and not holding, but increasing) I also know that indicates a health problem so I’ve increasied my activity and I’m getting real about my own body issues. Certainly you should not self-loath whether your big or little.
However, I don’t think being 200 pounds is a “normal” for 5′3″ women. I think it’s an indicator of a serious health problem. I knew at the rate of inactivity I was in that I could and would exceed 200 lbs, in about a month, if I didn’t make drastic lifestyle changes.
I’m not making a subtle dig at the bigger me. I’m acknowledging a feeling I’ve discovered that I didn’t know I had. Which is that I felt less in touch with myself the larger I got. Which is also that I’m more accepting of my self, my beauty, my appearance than I have been in the past.
I didn’t hate myself when I was bigger. I hated the consequences of being bigger - less energy, more depressed, less productive, tired more often, avoiding activity, - being unhealthy and inactive in general. The endorphines from exercise have improved my state-of-mind more than anything.
I’m not judging you. I’m getting real with me. There’s a big difference. I think you’ll find we are on the same page when it comes to body issues and what the culture is saying to girls. Check out http://www.sosiouxme.com where that is the primary focus of my writing.
I’m glad you feel good about your self.
Tracee
Candice
Aug 24, 2007 at 10:21 am
I’m not commenting on your health, only on your statement that your identity was hidden beneath puffiness. The column was about weight, not about your blood pressure or your energy level. I simply commented on that aspect of it.
But in the interest of learning the truth about the health of bigger people, I encourage you to check out http://junkfoodscience.blogspot.com/ to read about some of the stories about obesity that the media won’t cover and about just how spurious many of these anti-fat studies really are. People use health as the almighty reason why they are anti-fat, but not all big people are unhealthy and not all thin people are healthy.
I believe there is more to the reasons we are the body size we are than we understand right now. You were blessed with genes that make it easy for you to lose weight if you exercise and make better food choices. I’m so happy for you, but that isn’t the case for everyone. Some of us exercise a great deal, but we are still big. Don’t believe me? Check out http://fatgirlonabike.wordpress.com/ about Sarah Watson a “big” journalist who religiously trains for triathalons. I feel like I eat a fairly healthy diet, healthier than most, but my husband still weighs less than me despite his junkfood habit.
I’m glad you feel better about your health and that losing weight helped you get in touch with yourself again, sincerely, but you can’t you admit that you could have gotten in touch with yourself regardless of the number on the scale?
I applaud your articles about loving your body, but please lower your defenses enough understand and acknowledge someone else’s point of view.
Kristina
Aug 24, 2007 at 12:37 pm
Tracee,
Your blog makes me smile. Many women can relate to this,and your view on your own body imageis a healthy one from what I can see. blessings to you!
Tracee
Aug 24, 2007 at 3:17 pm
Candice, I’m not talking about being a freaking Zero here. I’m currently a 12 - after working out 5 days a week for literally a year and a half - not that easy.
My ideal weight would be in the 130s to 140s at 5′3. I just think I would look sickly at 110 lbs. I like looking feminine and boobs and hips ARE fat. There is nothing wrong with a little fat on a woman. I will agree with you there.
I think this is a discussion that is productive to have and I thank you for commenting.
This particular blog entry, and I wish I could have articulated this better to begin with, has more to do with how pleased I am to see a familiar reflection in the mirror.
One way we identify our selves is by looking in the mirror. It’s interesting to me - not saying it’s right or wrong here - but interesting that I feel like I’m seeing someone I used to know, now that my reflection is more consistent with how I looked historically.
I never hated my fat face or looked at myself with dislike or loathing when I was heavier. It is interesting to me that I never saw a realistic reflection when I was heavier. Which is the source of shock when I see photographs of myself now.
I was always looking at a “memory” of me or and “internal identity” or a “core self” rather than the actual visual appearance of me in the mirror. Now I’m seeing that internal identity reappear because it’s the one I carry around in my memory.
Does that make sense? It’s like when I cut my hair short, but I always dreamed of myself with long hair. See what I’m saying? How I identified my self - someone with beautiful long hair - didn’t fit my actual appearance - someone with short hair.
I am not anti-fat at all. There definately are huge differences between the metabolism of people. There’s a vast difference between how many calories a person can consume without gaining and a vast difference in how much exercise a person needs to have to maintain.
But the truth about MY own weight is that my entire lifestyle was resting on the laurels of my great metabolism as a teenager and 20-something. It took me several years to figure out that I wasn’t one of the blessed people who could eat what they wanted and never exercise and still maintain my weight anymore. Along with my wanton eating and never exercising ever, I smoked. I had to come to terms with the fact that I couldn’t keep that lifestyle without health consequences.
As far as the numbers on the scale and discovering myself I would say this - they were an indicator that things were off balance in my life. Those things were keeping me from being in touch with myself. Those numbers were a red flag alerting me that I wasn’t taking care of myself in lots of different ways. Including that I didn’t feel I was worth the time and energy it would take to go to the gym.
Do you think I should have looked at the scale and just tried to love my overweight self more? Rather than deciding to take responsibility over my body and make time to exercise?
Do you think sometimes - not all the time, for all people - but sometimes being overweight is an indicator that something bigger is going on?
Tracee
Candice
Aug 24, 2007 at 5:03 pm
Yeah, I do agree with you about that. I think I did misunderstand what you meant in the original blog; thank you for clarifying. When I look in the mirror, I think I see my 22 yo self!
I have been exercising more this year and I feel better also. I especially think that it has acted as a natural anti-depressant and stress reliever. It has even helped my chronic back pain as I get more blood flowing to that area and strengthen my core muscles. Keep up your reporting on women’s issues, we need voices like yours.
Tracee
Aug 24, 2007 at 8:20 pm
Candice, I’ve noticed a significant decrease in my back pain - and all other pain as well. The endorphin rush they always said would be addictive - really is. It’s awesome. The body size is almost a happy side effect now, not my primary motivation to work out.
Keep commenting, I like to be challenged now and then.
Have an opinion? Leave a comment: