Change or Not Change The Maiden Name
My mother’s first marriage occurred in China and there was no such tradition for a woman to change her surname after the marriage. So she kept her maiden name for years when she was married to my father. When she got remarried a few years ago in Nashville, Tennessee, we all asked her if she was going to change her name. “No.” She answered, “I published too many academic research papers. Changing my name could hurt my career.”
We all understand that as a researcher, her reputation in the field is everything she has. Being said, after two marriages, my mother still keeps her maiden name. So here you go, a family of three (me, my mother, and my step father) has three last names.
Most of us don’t have the same problem like my mother did especially if we wed at a younger age. Many of my co-workers who hold senior positions within the company don’t have problems after their names are changed. People adapt to their new names after a few months and life goes on.
Whether to change your last name is a very personal choice. I think my mother made a right decision to keep her last name since the hardcopies of the research papers she wrote in every library will not get changed ever again. As a bonus, I am a grown child and she doesn’t have to take me to the hospital and being questioned by the nurses anymore.
However, the society is not very forgiving and many people get burned for not changing their last names. Life could be pretty hairy from buying a home to attending a formal social event. I still think my friends’ house they bought years ago has the wife’s name spelled wrong on the title document.
Unless you absolutely have to keep your maiden name, I’d suggest to change it in order to keep a unified family name and live peacefully ever after with your hubby and your kids.
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13 opinions for Change or Not Change The Maiden Name
Ingrid
Nov 16, 2005 at 11:11 am
In my family - and also in a lot of Puerto Rican ones - women don’t change their last names.
Recently, my mom - who works in Florida - had to fly to PR to get proof of marriage because the US refused to acknowledge her as married - since she had a different last name from my father.
Also, all of her female co-workers don’t understand why she wouldn’t change her name. But she told them, “How can a woman be expected to be an individual, when the first thing she does after marriage is give up her identity?”
As for me, in all of my official documents, I go by both my mom and dad’s last names. This has, of course, caused confusion when I was living in the US, but I don’t care. I like that it’s set me apart. :)
Christine Zheng
Nov 16, 2005 at 11:24 am
Yes, it is one important piece of our identities. Social influence also plays a big part in it. I came to US when I as a teenager and I am still puzzeld by the concept of giving my name up. But I know most of my friends if not all have no trouble whatsoever ’cause that’s how they are brought up.
Rhys
Nov 16, 2005 at 2:06 pm
Ingrid–wow, that crazy!
I did not change my name when I married my hubby. He was completely understanding, even said he’d change his last name to mine. ;) But we ended up keeping our old names. I just can’t rationally understand changing it…although I support everyone’s individual decision.
Christine Zheng
Nov 16, 2005 at 2:22 pm
Wow Rhys, your hubby is cool!
Did you guys have any problems carrying two different last names?
I find that living in US, the society just can’t understand it. Especially when the kids are born, the nurses, the kindergarden teachers , etc all question if you are the real mom or something. It’s very annoying.
I think I will still change mine.
Lei
Nov 16, 2005 at 6:13 pm
I’m a situational last-name user. I don’t mind people calling me by my husband’s name in family situations, but professionally, I go by my maiden name.
Krissy
Nov 17, 2005 at 11:16 am
I took my husband’s last name simply because I liked the way it sounded with my first name. And my maiden name is a bear of a Sicilian name that I’ve been spelling to people all my life.
That said, our family has been divorced and re-married and so between everyone in my imediate family there are four last names.
It never caused us any pain.
I say go with what you like. Damn tradition if it chafes. If you want his name, take it. If he wants yours, let him take it. If you both want to change it utterly, change it.
Go with what you want. Life is too short to worry about what other people think of your last name.
Tammy
Nov 19, 2005 at 4:37 pm
I was married in the 80s when “hyphens” were in, and I tried to do that, but no one would let me. It bothered me that I was being forced to give up who I was, and at the time, I was a technical writer and as part of the documentation I was required to sign a signature page on all the books I worked on. But people at work were insistent, even giddy about my “new name.” My husband was even a little funny about. He didn’t fight me on it or anything, but he didn’t get it.
I found a middle ground and often use my maiden name as my middle name and adopted his last name as mine. This is actually something I learned from the Mormon church because so many women disappear in historical records when they get married, Mormon women usually switch their maiden names to their middle names.
JenniferB
Jun 25, 2007 at 2:47 am
WARNING GIRLS!! Before I was married I discussed with my now husband that I didn’t want to change my name. I told him that I would THINK about Hyph. it but in the end decided not to. I like my name. I got to where I am in life because of me and my family, not his family. I have seven years of college and a career with my name, not his name. However after we got married he started harrassing me about changing my name. Now he says it humiliates him that I don’t have his name and saids we shouldn’t have any kids if we all don’t have the same name. He now says that he didn’t realize it would bother him this bad. Women changed there names in the past to show transfer of ownership from the father to the new husband. So why do I have to continue this demeaning practice. Well I’m not. This is just a warning that even if you man says he doesn’t care if you keep your name now, just wait until you get married. Trust me, this is the second time I’m dealing with this.
Tracee
Jun 25, 2007 at 7:12 am
As the new blogger I thought I would weigh in since we got a comment.
I got into a big argument with the Ob/Gyn people who make you fill out the forms for a new baby. She insisted I put the name I was born with on the baby’s birth certificate. But, the birth certificate came back without my actual name on it. It is “assumed” that I took my husband’s name - I didn’t and won’t - and yet, I had gotten rid of my maiden name as well. There is no place on a baby’s birth certificate for a mother’s legal name. We have to file a freaking state appeal! It makes me furious. I give birth to the freaking babies but the state acts like it is only the father’s identity that is relevant. Why? Because women have been giving up their identities by giving up their names since time began.
Tracee SIOUX, mother of Zack no matter what the birth certificate says!
D
Aug 28, 2007 at 12:32 pm
I just don’t understand this whole “changing your name thing”, and any man who got weirded out by my keeping my birth name wouldn’t be the right guy for me.
When I met my husband, we discussed it, and I told him that I would be using my birth name, and that it was very important to me that our children would have my last name in addition to his. He said that he didn’t want to give his children a “double-barreled” last name. So I said that, if it was more important to him that our children not have two last names, then they would have just my last name.
And they do. His last name is their second middle name. We are referred to as “the Smith-Jones family”
Most men aren’t enlightened enough to realize that they are making a choice about what’s important to them — only one name, or having the child have their last name. I was lucky enough to get one of the good ones.
I’ve had the US border guards confront me about why I didn’t have the same last name as my “supposed husband” (proffered marriage certificate notwithstanding), and I said, deadpan, “Because my husband wanted to be modern and keep his last name.” The idiot had absolutely no sense of humour in realizing that the faux pas was entirely his. Hopefully all the troglodytes will die off soon…
deanna
Sep 8, 2007 at 8:01 pm
I, too, have dealt with this problem. Me, being one of three girls in the family name ( my dads brothers all had girls) I simply refuse to change my name. Its so personal, its second to skin, and when a guy asks me ” whats the big deal,” I say ” if its not such a big deal, then you change your name, then.” If i get married to my boyfriend, my name iss staying put, as is his. And our future kids would each carry one of the last names, for instance, if we have 3 kids, at least one would have my last name. Case closed. Ughhh for north american stubborn men! Im not a piece of property!
Theresa
Feb 16, 2008 at 10:00 pm
Just before I got married, my future husband changed his name from his adopted name back to his birth name. When we got married I took his new last name. So, at the time it sort of seemed like we both took a new name. I really didn’t give much thought to giving up my birth name. I’ve grown up in middle-class US culture and it was just a given, even though I am a professional and my name is attached to degrees, etc. Well- last year I got divorced and it is a huge pain in the neck to change your name back to birth name. Yes, you do have to get a court order now (you can’t get Social Security to change your name without it anymore). I would strongly encourage anyone thinking about giving up their birth name to think long and hard about WHY they are considering this. It is a huge part of your identity, and cultural programming and expectations are not a good enough reason. In the end, obviously it is a personal decision. Just make sure it is a CONSCIOUS decision that you make- don’t just follow the crowd.
Liz
Aug 2, 2008 at 11:28 am
Thank you ladies for your thoughts. I married almost two years ago and took my husband’s last name. Bad idea. Ever since I did that, I’ve felt like I gave my identity up. I love my husband. But I love the woman I became with my name.
I am Liz Simon, not this Peddicord person. So I’m going to change it back to MY NAME. And if kids come along, we’ll deal with it then.
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